Hey you college grads out there. If you’re remotely sober right now, don’t be an ass clown: take my career counseling survey to find out what fucking job you should look into after graduation. Now the job market is a bit slim, so maybe lower your bar of expectation a bit. It’s a tough world out there and probably none of you will make it.
1. Your personality has been described as?
a. Mildly autistic
b. Warm, caring, nurturing
c. Creative, spacey, a little weird
d. Aggressive, determined, calculating
e. Sardonic, jaded, know it all
2. When someone asks you, “How are you doing?” You reply:
a. Well, it’s Monday. #Mondays
b. Excellent. Would you like some cookies?
c. Um… what time is it?
d. I’m fantastic! I got so much done this morning because I was up at 5 a.m. and drank 16 cups of coffee. So many files. Files, files, files.
e. You don’t really care, now do you?
3. Your favorite sex position is:
a. Doggie Style — So you don’t actually have to interact with the other person.
b. Missionary — Traditions are there for a reason!
c. Anything. Please, dear god, anything.
d. Nooner — Quickie in the supply closet.
e. Anything, as long as jazz is playing.
4. If you were a car you’d be:
a. The Nissan Cube — They look so web 2.0.
b. Honda CR-V — Practical, reliable, and safe!
c. 1985 Toyota Camry — “I’m driving this bitch into the ground!”
d. Aston Martin Virage — In burnt orange.
e. Ford Focus — Your graduation present from the rents.
5. If you were a delicious snack you’d be:
a. Coconut Water — Refreshing, but not satisfying.
b. Oreos and Milk — Just like you had every day after school.
c. Seat cushion crumbs and weed — Don’t worry about getting up.
d. Snacks are for the weak.
e. A muffin or scone… again.
6. How do you feel about money?
a. The only way to make money in the future will be on the internet.
b. As long as there’s enough to raise a family and be comfortable you’re happy.
c. You’d rather not think about it.
e. Money is a social construct that makes us all miserable.
7. Degree you will receive.
c. Theater, Film, Music, Studio Art
d. MBA (in 3 years, bitches)
e. Anthropology, philosophy from an Ivy League university.
If you answered mostly “A,” congrats! You’re going to be a Social Media Intern.
You’re witty, but only in 140 characters or less, and definitely not around live people. While you may have gone to school to help the crazies with your psychology degree, you have a hefty load of crazy yourself. So please do two things: 1) Stay away from my favorite bar, The Horny Cow and 2) Work in a job where you can sit in a dark room, alone, and interact with fake people all day.
If you answered mostly “B,” congrats! You’re going to be a Housewife.
You are way too fucking happy. You should probably drink some pink wine and calm the shit down before you bake another loaf of banana bread. Then go find yourself some man who has aspirations for middle management and pop out a few units. This will make you happy and keep you away from the general populace.
If you answered mostly “C,” congrats! You’re going to be Unemployed.
Don’t even think about denying that it was you doodling on the desks in school and making public sculptures on the quad much to the dean’s dismay. You are filled with creative spirit but no real practical know-how that people actually pay for. And if you haven’t already, you will probably develop some sort of drug or alcohol addiction. None of these roads lead to employment and food stamps don’t cover whiskey (I’ve tried). Should have studied engineering, dumbass.
If you answered mostly “D,” congrats! You’re going to be a Temp Office Worker.
You have ambition flowing out of your ears and that’s pretty annoying to most people. However, they will keep promoting you just to not have to deal with you everyday and because of a deep seeded fear that if they fire you, you will probably return with some sort of gun and kill everyone. At least your office mates will be really clean all the time because they will want to take a shower after every meeting with you. Enjoy your successes, you soulless, pathetic sap.
If you answered mostly “E,” congrats! You’re going to be a Barista.
Way to go. You went to an Ivy League school and will leave with an unhireable degree. Some jobs won’t hire you because they will think you’re over-qualified due to the college you went to. The others will be put off by your cynical, I’m-smarter-than-you attitude. In the early ’90s you could have worked at a record store, but now the only job you’ll be able to nab is as a barista at a non-Starbucks establishment.