Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re under a lot of stress, but this just means you need to shift the way you look at a situation. It’s not a crisis, it’s an adventure! And it’s not pain, it’s an acquired taste for a certain physical sensation.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: What goes up must come down. Even if you took a handful of Viagra. It will eventually. But uh … maybe you should see a doctor.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: No matter what you do, you can never please everybody. That’s what makes group sex so tricky. So try a spreadsheet to share responsibilities. It should help.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, trouble is behind you, not ahead. So make sure you’ve got a lot of lube handy.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Go beyond words and communicate on a deeper level with that certain someone this week … if you both pop an Ambien at the same time, you’ll be able to talk to each other through hallucinatory dreams.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: You like to play it safe, but remember that there’s nothing that makes you feel alive like a rush of adrenaline. So embrace the moment when your drunk cousin from out of town throws a rock at a police cruiser … you haven’t run from the cops since you were 14!
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: This week, use your head to get what you want. I believe they call that move “the anal cranial.”
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: What others see as a blessing, you’re considering a curse. Be grateful for what you have! Women get butt implants to rock a rump like yours, and you got it for FREE. (Or maybe for the cost of some Krispy Kremes, but still.)
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: If you believe it, you can achieve it. The reality of this statement will surprise you this week when you think very hard about what it would be like to have a handlebar mustache.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: When Mars is in your sign, you get overagitated. And itching is just going to make it worse. Try ointment.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You’re going to work a miracle this week, only instead of multiplying fishes and loaves, you’re going to make the contents of your medicine cabinet and half a bottle of Ouzo into the best party cocktail of all time … if anyone can remember it afterwards.
Ophichus [?*&!]: Mercury stands still in your sign … oh WAIT, you’re NOT REAL. Asshat.
