Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re having a hard time telling the difference between what you need and what you want. This week, you’ll find the happy balance between the two in the wonderful world of edible underwear.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Any process you set in motion this week will have a good outcome. Break out the mirror and the waxing kit, it’s time to be brave.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Sometimes, a seemingly ordinary situation can suddenly seem magical. Look for the divine in all things this week — it can pay off. The other day, I saw the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast and I sold it on eBay for 50 bucks.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, you’ll finally make right a situation that has been wrong for too long. Baileys in the Coffeemate at work: who needs to wait for happy hour?
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Rise above an argument this week and you’ll be better off. And by this, I mean you should escape road rage by using your Go-Go Gadget Helicopter Hat!
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: This week, remember: don’t push your luck. This will make more sense when it is revealed that the little person you shoved on the bus is actually a leprechaun.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean you should judge it. Like hot dogs … we don’t know what’s in them, but we don’t need to. They are a part of nature’s beautiful mysteries.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Now is the time to move on. No matter how many letters you write, they just aren’t bringing back clear Pepsi. I know, I was sad, too.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Let your natural talents shine this week and people will see you for what you are — a drunk girl with exceptional balance skills and very open hips.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: A source of incredible tension will be relieved this week. Looks like that fiber supplement’s gonna pay off.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You like to be in control, but seek help when you need it this week. Those NuvaRings can be really tricky to find sometimes.
Ophichus [?*&!]: In text terms, 8———-> 0:
Great scopes this week Shirley