Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of May 16, 2011

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]:  A little confidence goes a long way.  And a little blue pill goes an even longer way.  This week, don’t let your pride get in the way of drugs.

Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]:  It’s always good to have a plan, but sometimes you have to improvise.  My hippy aunt used to cure her yeast infections with Greek yogurt so … maybe that’ll work.

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  You know a lot more than you used to know, and a lot less than you’re going to know.  These are wise words for life, but especially apply to you this week — you’re gonna get a LOT of mileage out of your hand mirror.

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  Lately, you’ve been questioning your life goals.  Are you on the right path?  Are you happy?  These questions are a clear sign of too much sobriety.  Crack a bottle open and let the good times roll.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  Whatever you fear, you don’t need to be afraid of this week.  That’s right, you are going to f*ck a very sexy clown, and it’s gonna be mindblowing.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  You’ve been very hard on yourself lately, so this week, accept that you did your best.  Cutting your own bangs is HARD, especially when you’re drunk, and you only have a steak knife.  I’d know.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  A new shift in your life has you seeking out entrepreneurial opportunities.  On a similar note, your local grocery store has a mysterious clearance sale on lube.  Coincidence or cosmic serendipity?

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  Instead of fixating on your flaws this week, focus on your capacity to create amazing things.  Like that dump you took that formed a perfect question mark … that was pretty impressive.

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  You’ve embarked on a challenging, introspective quest within yourself … don’t give up.  That condom is in there somewhere.

Ophichus [?*&!]:  Oh hey, I was just typing and found something on my keyboard for you.  Cunt.


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