Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: There are opportunities to explore, but you seem reluctant to go past a certain point. Remember: if you call it experimentation, it doesn’t make you gay. Or straight, for that matter. Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: All good things come to those who wait. So cope with the blue balls and power through … you’ll get laid soon enough. Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Everyone needs a little chaos in their world to keep things interesting. So think of that squirrel hiding behind your entertainment system as a little furry gift from the fates. Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Lately, you’ve been feeling like maybe you took on more than you can handle. Such is the way of all-you-can-eat sushi … I recommend stuffing your face with the leftovers they would charge you for and then discretely spitting them into the toilet. Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: It’s tempting to go for the easy satisfaction of a situation where your gain is someone else’s loss, but if everyone wins, it’s a way better experience. Yup: it’s 69 time. Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: There’s a male side and female side to everyone. This week, be sensitive to both: eat a steak while petting a kitten. And while you’re at it, drink a handle of Jack. That’ll make all the sides loose and happy and they’ll probably have drunk sex in your mind, which would be DOPE. Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: You’ve been having the classic struggle between your head and your heart. But don’t forget about your stomach: which one of these dudes is gonna pay for your dinner? Hollaaaaa!
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Mars is moving into a new sign, which explains your burning urge to change a situation you’re not pleased with. That other burning, though, is not from Mars, but from that nasty bro you banged in the public restroom on Thursday. Groddy!
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Mars is leaving your sign this week … probably because you finally went to the doctor and got some antibiotics.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: This week, power is moving into your being … so I guess that means that blind date with the CEO is going to go really well.
Ophichus [?*&!]: [Editor’s Note: Shirley mooned her laptop instead of typing anything here.]****
