Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of July 4, 2011

shirley_horrorscope
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]:  What are you doing right now?  Do you like it?  If not, stop!  Unless you’re getting paid.  Then it means it’s your job.

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  Follow your dreams, because if you truly believe in them, they will come true!  Based on this, I strongly dissuade you from following that creepy sex dream about the circus acrobats and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, because it WILL happen.

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  There is no reason to feel so mistrustful of people.  Wasn’t it YOU, after all, who drunkenly ate the second half of your roommate’s Subway sandwich?  Party foul.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  This week, you’re experiencing everything with a bit of a delay.  So don’t be surprised when that “homemade cheese” you thought you got away with eating takes its revenge this Saturday.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  Changes are coming this week, but you’ve gotta roll with them to survive.  If all the liquor store’s got on clearance is Ouzo, it’s time to expand your palette.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  Sometimes, what feels right is right, and what doesn’t, isn’t.  That hole?  Not your vagina.  Just btw.

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  You can do a lot this week, but remember, you can’t do it all.  Or should I say, them.  But three guys in a day?  Acceptable.

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  Don’t settle for second best this week.  You deserve the best: get that lube from Babeland.  CVS knows about as much about a wet vagina as I know about the Louisiana Purchase.

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:
  This week, you’ll be dealing with issues that are timeless: doggy style, or reverse cowgirl?  Remember, you don’t always have to choose.

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: We’re celebrating Independence Day this week, and now it’s time for YOU to declare independence … from sobriety.  Land of the free, home of the 40!

Ophichus [?*&!]:  palin-bikiniPhoto Source: fakechineserubberplant.com


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Shirley's surly and revels in lowbrow humor involving drinking, swearing or sex. Are you a Shirley?

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