Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: You’re getting good at going with the flow of the universe. Unfortunately, this also means your period is gonna be massive. But yo, at least you’re not preggers.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Stop being a pushover. If the bartender says you can only have 2 oz. of Jack in your drink, bust out the flask. No one cuts off Shirley. NO ONE. [Editor’s Note: This might be less about you and more about Shirley’s experience at Happy Hour last night.]
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: There’s strong symbolism in your sign in the behavior of Uranus, which entered Aries in March, retraced its steps in July and now hovers around the same entry point. So basically: get ready for more butt play.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Unless Cake is the cute kid from the youth hostel. Then you can.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Don’t hold on to old fears: letting go will help you heal. Plus, just ’cause you got alcohol poisoning on Sambuca when you were 14 doesn’t mean you can’t overcome the memory.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Your sign is the only one ruled by the moon. That’s why you’re so fucking crazy. So stop looking at me like that, crazy eyes.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Life is not a race. But this chugging contest sure is!!! CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: A retrograde Mercury leads to vulnerable Virgoans. Mine does that too, at certain times. Pretty sure it means you’re ovulating.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Guard your secrets, they’re dangerous to share this week. Your roommate’s new boyfriend? TOTAL NARC.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: If you’re brave this week, something wonderful can occur. A little bit of prescription cough syrup and Sprite never hurt anyone. Oh, but it’s led to some excellent results in the rap community!
Ophicus [?*&!]: You’re worse than Cat Week.
