Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Venus will enter Taurus this month, even though Taurus is like “no, I’m not in the mood”, ’cause Venus is sly like that, and Taurus is eventually like, “oh okay.” So be prepared to get your swerve on.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Frustration in your personal life combined with success in your career means you’ll be taking out all that pent-up sexual energy by devoting yourself fully to your hardcore work ethic. Just make sure you don’t get caught humping the Xerox machine, it’s rarely an understood behavior.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: You’ll have to make some unexpected decisions with a change of scenery in the next weeks. So when you wake up from your big bachelorette weekend in Cabo and find you’ve been made queen of a small rainforest tribe, remember your humility before agreeing to sacrifice your bitchy friend to the gods. (Though it would be rad to spook her a little bit before you set her free.)
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Things will become a lot less complicated, and you’ll be able to relax a bit and enjoy the simple joys of life. Just don’t relax when it comes to birth control, because you’re gonna be super fertile this month, and everyone knows the “joys of childbirth” are neither simple nor actually joyful, and just stretch out your vag and make you all saggy.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: Mars is in retrograde, so you’ll have to keep your guard up. Random shiv attacks aren’t just for the prison exercise yard anymore…
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: The planets are aligned for unexpected complications, so get ready for anything this month, especially weird shit you never thought of. This is what happens when you put all your “random pills” into one Advil container. Hopefully, you won’t have a headache on a day you’re driving a school bus.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Now is the perfect time to start a new relationship or make up after a fight. Yes, your dealer shorted you last time, but he’s more than ready to make it up to you by giving you “the good stuff.” And, he’s an upright, honest guy at heart, right?
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Excitement, challenges, and adventure are all in store this month. The Mercury-Uranus tandem is unstable and unpredictable, though, so I’d make sure to do whatever exciting, challenging, and adventurous buttplay on a rubber sheet. The aftermath of some adventures kind of kills excitement if you haven’t set up properly.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Both Venus and Jupiter are in your house of eroticism, which means you’re totally gonna win that amateur strip tease contest! It also means you’ll have a threesome in the basement with the bartender and bar back after drinking the prize bottle of Tequila. Win-win!
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Mind your p’s and q’s this tax season: if you’re not careful, you could get in trouble with the IRS. It’s a good time to double check whether or not cats can be claimed as dependents. (Lucille told me yes, so I’ve been counting the strays that fight in my alley every night … I’ve counted at least 3.)
Ophichus [?*&!]: If life were gym class, you’d be picked last for kickball teams.