Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Your future remains to be shaped by your own desires. So when you wind up in that weird orgy on Valentine’s Day where everyone’s into choking, just remember, something in you asked for this.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Life is a rollercoaster: it has its ups, its downs, and not too infrequently, it results in you vomiting on strangers. Just remember, next time you feel yourself about to take the plunge, odds are there’s a camera waiting to snap a shot of your horrific scene somewhere near rock bottom.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Your situation offers you the rare chance to alter something yesterday that has the potential to bring you a far brighter tomorrow. In other words, when you go to traffic court, take a second look at that cop. He’s totally down for some freaky shit in the janitor’s closet.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Relax this month and don’t get wrapped up in the dramas of your life. While everyone is trying to get you involved, resist the crazy yammering and remain neutral: the storm will pass and you’ll emerge in no time. Not your baby, not your problem.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: In order to conquer an age-old fear this month, you will finally confront the old skeletons in your closet. Though why you were cool with human remains in your house for this long is super hard to explain, and the guys from CSI are probably going to take you in for questioning, it’s worth it to get that dank “old bone” smell out of your sweaters.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: How do you define success? Is it really successful if it does not cause you happiness or joy? You will tackle this problem this month, as you seek to “successfully” complete your mission of not blacking out during speed dating. Though this IS the time when single people get super desperate, so maybe it’s just a success to get through February at all.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: With Mars in your sign, you can finally move on from last year’s drama with confidence and clarity. It took you a long, long time to sober up from your drug-soaked New Year’s, but now that you know your name, look towards the future: and how to find some clothes, your passport, and a ride back to the U.S.-Mexico border. Your dignity is probably gone forever.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: There are good, strong reasons you feel the way you feel, and it will require equally strong reasons to alter those feelings. If you can’t, you can at least shift the way you handle them: yes, you feel that bestiality is immoral, but isn’t that guy who makes out with his dog really, really hot? You can think of him and his dog like Angelina Jolie and her brother… it’s not perverse, it’s just sorta Euro.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: This month can be a downer for single ladies, but it’s in your power to make it yours. You’ve got a handle of Jack and a handful of movie vouchers from the holidays: it’s time to get plastered and watch some Rom Coms with your girls.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You’re always coming to your fucked up friend’s rescue. This month, stand aside and let her learn from her mistakes. Unless she really can’t get herself out of it… like that time she called you from inside someone’s trunk. Then it’s cool to help.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: You’re kinda bummed because you already broke your New Year’s resolution to stop having sex with drug dealers. The year is still young, you can still reform. Plus, now you have a bunch of free drugs.
Ophichus [?*&!]: Roses are red, violets are blue: go fuck yourself, no one loves you.