“As Long as You Love Me” – Backstreet Boys
This classic boy band ballad offers Sad Sallies a golden emotional ticket: the promise of blanket acceptance. But ladies, if a man doesn’t care who you are, where you’re from, or what you’ve done in life, not only is he just not that into you, he’s crazy irresponsible. His thought process must go, “What’s that, stranger? You’re a drifter on the lam for microwaving babies? Doesn’t matter. Of course you can share my bed/marry me/babysit our children.” This is irresponsible, dumb, and desperate. So, let’s grow a shred of dignity, friends (and Brian).
“Ordinary People” – John Legend
“We’re just ordinary people, we don’t know which way to go. We’re just ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow.” Translation: “I know we’ve been dating for three years, lovebug, but I consider you common, so get off my back about meeting my parents.” There’s nothing flattering about a man telling you you’re average, even if he’s right 50 percent of the time.
“Fat Bottomed Girls” – Queen
But this song rocks! And Queen can do no wrong, right? Wrong. This chubby-chaser anthem sounds pro-curvy but it’s really a backhanded compliment because calling a woman fat-bottomed is never a catchy re-appropriation and always a dick move. Besides, the tune is really a cry for help. Mercury was seduced in nursery school by his big fat nanny Fanny, for god’s sake, and what do we do? Dance. The bottom line here: if it didn’t work for Puck and Lauren on “Glee,” chances are it’s not going to fly IRL.
“Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)” – Katy Perry
Sexual exhibitionism and random ménage a trios? This isn’t another kooky weekend, it’s self-destructive, attention-seeking behavior, and it may be indicative of a personality disorder. Never mind the fact that those maxed credit cards are destroying your FICO score. “But girls just wanna have fu-uun!” Are you sure about that? Because I’ve seen “Intervention,” and the lascivious ones were usually molested at an early age. Is that what’s going on, Katy? Did one of your uncles touch you? It’s usually someone in your own family, the bastards.
“You Are So Beautiful to Me” – Joe Cocker
Stop crying to this song on your iPods, ladies. Cocker cancels out his commendation with his repeated qualification. “You’re beautiful … to me. You’re wonderful … to me. Everyone around the water cooler thinks you’ve got a pig nose, but hey, you’re tops … to me. Sex now?” No, Joe Cocker. I will not have sex with you because you’re an overly-specific knob … to me.
