LIFE EVENTS WE MUST NOT FORGET!!*
Your local summer festival (hometown Jazz Fests, Greek Fests, & Art Fests are all acceptable). There are certain times in life when it is not only accepted, but encouraged to wear tie-dye, groove to groovy musicians in their 50’s and eat far too much food. So don’t miss out on the festivities. Your beer belly will thank you.
Your ex’s wedding. Sure, you can miss your own wedding (trust us, it makes it so much more dramatic, and what’s life without drama?) but you don’t want to miss this great opportunity for revenge. Why does he deserve marital bliss when he ditched you on your anniversary for a dodgeball game? I mean, that game is dangerous!
Your plant’s birthday. Ok, so you remember to throw your dog Lamar Kardashian a birthday party, but what about your plants? And don’t think they won’t remember, because they will. Why do you think so many houseplants die every year? Sorrow, my friends. The answer is sorrow.
The season reunion of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yes you may have missed a ton of episodes, and it’s understandable. Watching Kyle do the splits is very painful and brain draining. That said, you don’t want to miss the reunion. So many tears, so much drama, so much entertainment.
The “Watch the Throne” Concert. Look, we can’t afford $200 tickets to see Jay-Z and Kanye either (I mean who can in this economy?) but it’s important to know when this concert is so you can tell all your friends and co-workers (especially the co-workers) that you went. It will totally up your cool factor by at least 22%. Indeed, Hova is that powerful.
Judgment Day. Speaking of Hova, you don’t want to miss this either. It’s imperative for your future digs (I don’t think mid-century modern goes with Hell) to put your best foot forward on this all or nothing day. Remember, have a good excuse for stealing all the alcohol from that wedding. God does not mess around. Though He is sometimes fond of revenge (it just depends which God you’re getting – New Testament or Old).
Court Dates. And speaking of Judgment, show up on time to court dates. Judges don’t look kindly on folks who are tardy for the party.
Election Day: 2012. I mean HAVE YOU HEARD the Republican candidates this year? It’s like their racing to the altar of Crazy and we’re all losers if they win.
Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off sales. We all know Bed, Bath & Beyond NEVER gives you 20% off of anything, so when this rare day does finally happen, be sure to get your ass to BB&B for some hot scented candles (we prefer cinnamon if you want to get us a gift).
Facebook design launches. You don’t want to miss out on this critical day of bitching, tweeting and wall posting. You will never forgive yourself if you do, but you should, because self-forgiveness is the key to life. How else will you be able to sleep knowing you messed up that poor girl’s wedding?
*Yes double exclamations ARE necessary, naysayer.
