Ryan Gosling and Zooey Deschanel Are Disney Home-Wreckers!

Are you a Ryan Gosling and/or Zooey Deschanel fanatic?  The kind who’s seen every one of their movies and shows, from Remember the Titans to Drive, from Elf to The New Girl, and relished every second?  The kind who goes to bed at night, replacing every one of their love interests with yourself?  The kind who maintains, through the power of imagination, that they should and could play every leading role ever devised?

Well, let’s one-up you: instead of going the typical route of simply envisioning our favorite beauties in the roles of our favorite lovers, why not let them be their wildly attractive selves in other movies and universes?

That is, why not let each do what they were seemingly designed to do: woo and break hearts?

Especially — and here’s the catch — in Disney movies?

That’s right: as perfect as Disney would have you believe their protagonists and love interests to be, there’s no way even the most moral prince, princess, or warrior could resist the charms of the two actors in question.

Let’s put them to the test.

Belle and the Beast

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Let’s face it: after his transformation back to human form, Beast lost some of the bad-boy lure that hooked Belle in the first place. As he’s way too zealous and without a hint of moroseness, Belle’s fortitude — which used to be so very complementary to the Beast’s needs — is made redundant. Who better to refill that void in her heart than brooding, somewhat enigmatic Ryan Gosling? Gosling puts the “sexy” in “sexy sulking.”

Mulan and Shang

zooeymulan22162012Following her triumph over the Huns, Mulan realizes her new beau isn’t satisfying all of her needs; she isn’t meant to play this part. But who is that girl she sees, staring straight back at her? Bottom line is: her reflection shows who she is only when a mellow-voiced Zooey Deschanel, crooning along to a cover of Nat King Cole’s “L-O-V-E,” comes up from behind and sneak-snuggles the warrior-lady. D’awwwwwwww!

Ariel and Eric

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An expert scuba-diver (we can only assume) and/or breath-holder (hooooofah!), Ryan Gosling woos a homesick Ariel by busting out a Feminist Himself line. Something like, “Hey, girl. Your body’s beautiful, and just as important as mine. Please don’t treat it as secondary to the male human form. Let’s roll in the deep together.”

Jasmine and Aladdin

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Overcoming massive classism, Disney would have you believe the princess and the street rat share an unbreakable bond. However, there’s no denying the possibility of Aladdin feeling pretty useless while Jasmine’s off fulfilling her royal duties, like ruling the country. What’s a once-playboy to do? Enter the kingdom’s up-and-coming starlet: a lutist and singer from beyond the realm. So exotic, and so… is that a jazz rendition of “Arabian Nights”? Swoooooooon.

Hercules and Megara

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Oh, Jeebus! It’s like Random Hearts! A double double-crossing!

First off, we know Hercules has a thing for mo-town (cue the BAMF trio chorus). Secondly, you can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy — can sweet Herc really keep up with all of Meg’s needs and lustful desires? And you know what they say about dudes with too-big muscles… [hint: overcompensation]. A dose of the lady responsible for the soundtrack to Winnie the Pooh, as well as songs with traces of his genre of choice, might very well be the escape he’s been waiting for. All she’s gotta do is bat those sweet ‘lashes at him, twirl around in her polka-dotted sundress, and let his apparent prudeness (aka repressed awkward sexuality) do the rest.

And then we get to Meg. Sure, she might have briefly fallen for the half-god’s unexpected softness and innocence, but could the personality clash really keep her interested in the long run? Nah. She needs a bad boy — or, at the very least, an in-betweener. Ex-Mouseketeer Ryan Gosling knows how to balance the melancholy with the BAMFness and just the right amount of sappiness without having to sacrifice the power of any one of his abs. 


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About the author

Vickie Toro

Hi, friend! I'm Vickie Toro. I'm the lesbian in Lesbros, the creator and one of the writers of BAMF Girls Club, and the Frumpy Girl who commiserates with your Style Ineptness. I'm a Potterhead, water-dancer, and overall TV junky. Also sports movies make me cry.

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