Rejected Muppets for the New Movie

Sure, Walter and The Moopets are cool new additions to the muppetational panoply of playful puppets appearing in The Muppets….  But don’t you ever wonder about the wannabes who auditioned for the job, but were rejected by that whimsical tyrant, Jason Segel?

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These are their stories.


Torple the Toad


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Stay away from me, you maniacal toad!

Torple, a ukulele-playing toad hailing from the marshlands, claims to be the inspiration for Kermit the Frog.  He hoped to secure fame and fortune by appearing in the new film.  However, Torple spent the last thirty years in the St. Francis Nuthouse for the Amphibiously Insane; ergo, his claims could not be substantiated.  Torple’s attorney is seeking to prove that Kermit had Torple committed so he could steal his bit and become a star.  Maybe the truth will come out in the next Muppet flick.


Drag Queen Julian/Julianne


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What do you mean, I’m not a Muppet?! Could a human neck support this much hair!

Drag Queen Julian, a glittery gay Muppet, auditioned for the role of “Walter” in the new movie.  Julian’s agent suggested that his client’s version of Walter would be more convincing, as Julian’s unrequited love for Kermit would spark the audience’s sympathy.  Miss Piggy would have none of it, however, and the rest of the heavy-hitters were forced to toe the line.


Druggles Pug


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I’m jonesin’ bad, man!

Druggles Pug was actually cast in The Muppets, but was fired on day one of shooting after he tried to grind up and snort Pepe the Prawn.


Miss Vixen


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I’m hawt.

Miss Vixen, a Muppet from the hinterlands of Peru, underwent swine-o-plasty in order to look just like Miss Piggy.  The surgery was not effective, as Miss Vixen is an oversized purple alpaca.  The snout job merely turned her into a mismatched monstrosity.  Miss Vixen was then turned down for the role of Miss Piggy’s long lost twin sister, a plotline that was cut from The Muppets.


Candy the Carnivorous Wall Sconce


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I’m a complex Muppet:  I light up a room AND I’ll eat small pets and children.

No one is quite sure how Candy the Carnivorous Wall Sconce originated — but one thing is certain: wall sconces do not test well with audiences.  Candy will likely live out her days lighting the walls of a storage closet deep within Muppet Studios.


Alliconda


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Don’t be jealous of my huge venom sack.

Alliconda, a megalomaniacal anaconda Muppet, was rejected from the new movie because he insisted on playing every character, including Kermit and Jason Segel.  It did not help his case that he, on several occasions during the audition process, was caught with a half-digested Rowlf in his belly.


Fluffy the Hamster


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The team behind The Muppets rejected poor Fluffy — as he happened not to be a Muppet — but a garden-variety dwarf hamster.  Better luck next time, Fluffy.


Gonzo the Terrible


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Gonzo the Terrible is similar to Gonzo the Great, with one exception: he’s pure evil.  For the sake of adding depth to the film, producers of The Muppets considered replacing Gonzo the Great with Gonzo the Terrible.  They were put off the idea after watching Gonzo the Terrible’s introductory scene, where he extinguishes a cigar on Camilla the Chicken’s back.


Mad Peter, Pygmy-Marmoset-Evil-Scientist


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Beeker and I are lovers. Deal with it.

Beeker petitioned to have Dr. Bunsen Honeydew replaced with Mad Peter, Pygmy-Marmoset-Evil-Scientist.  However, Mad Peter suffered a fatal accident in the lab during his audition.  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew never knew about Beeker’s betrayal — until now.


Syntax the Erudite Linguistics Professor


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That Segel fellow has delusions of adequacy, all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire!

Syntax the Erudite’s Muppet jokes were way too obscure for a family film.  Syntax now writes strongly worded movie reviews (which befuddle man and Muppet) from his office on the campus of Swarthmore College.  Rumor has it that he is co-writing his own Muppets screenplay with Noam Chomsky.

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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

View all articles by Kristen Bobst

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