If you’re on any form of social media, you know that you can opt in or opt out of getting notifications any time someone “likes,” retweets, pins or comments on your updates or on the status of your friends.
I generally opt out of getting the emails because too many emails make me twitchy and I really don’t need extra noise. When I go to the site, I’ll see it. The end.
But I might change my mind if I was sent more realistic social media notifications — something more than “Anne commented on your status update” or “Bill retweeted one of your tweets.” I have a few suggestions in case anyone wants to contract out my services.
That relative that you were forced to “friend” is replying “LOL” to all your updates from the past month.
Fifteen people posted Someecards or memes expressing their addiction to coffee/wine, their love of Friday/hate of Monday or being a parent.
Your friend Ann changed her profile picture seven times in 10 minutes in an attempt to look sexier.
No one “liked” Anne’s new profile picture after three minutes, so she changed it again.
Your cousin just rolled his eyes at the link to your latest blog post.
A friend just invited you to an event tomorrow night that’s being held on the other side of the country.
“That” couple is having a private conversation through one of their status updates. He loves her. She loves him back. They are “so blessed.”
The “bad boy” from high school just posted a picture of him braiding the hair of his toddler twin girls.
Don’t bother checking your Facebook fan page. Only 3 percent of your fans are seeing your posts.
Gina started a wedding board to send hint after to hint to her boyfriend in a passive aggressive, Pinterest-y way.
Sally shared the same pin of her last blog post to 12 different boards in five minutes.
Beware! Three friends a going through a phase and pinning nothing but inspirational posters.
Someone liked one of 235 recipes you pinned that you’ll probably never make.
Becky created a board of Creative Projects to Make with Cat Hair.
Someone almost retweeted you but instead just added it as a “favorite” because they were ticked they didn’t think of it first.
Lisa says, “GOOD MORNING!!!”
Several people you follow are engaged in a Twitter Party. Avoid until party is done.
Bob is tweeting at famous people in an attempt to get them to follow him.
You are now only 15 people away from 2,000 followers and only three friends away from having three friends.
Someone is retweeting every compliment they’ve ever received. (Suggested action: block or unfollow)
Jenny made toast, took a picture, posted it with a recipe and added multiple hashtags #bread #toaster #lunch #food #eat #noonecaresitstoast
Three people unfollowed you because you didn’t follow them back after they had been following you for five minutes.
Your super funny tweet got no stars.
Justin Beiber tweeted, “I like tacos.” It was retweeted 465,000 times. Maybe you should give up.
Someone you have never worked with just asked you to endorse them for biomedical engineering with a focus on potato blight in Idaho, or something similar you have no knowledge of.
A complete stranger is waiting for your response to an invitation to connect with no customized message attached.
Mary is celebrating a 5-year work anniversary at a job you didn’t even know that she had.
A connection just endorsed you for “grocery shopping” and “snacks.”
Well, yay! Finally an endorsement that makes sense.