That said, when thinking about overwhelmingly desperate individuals who have nothing better to do than to attempt to insert themselves into and interrupt the lives of people they just can’t let go of, I also think of classic Disney movies. More specifically, classic Disney movie villains.
So which one best describes your particular crazy ex? Take the quiz!
1. Morning-after breakfast usually consisted of…
a.) A protein shake.
b.) Your patience; they did all the talking.
c.) “How about we just take your eggs for a spin, eh, babe? HEY-OHHHHH!”
d.) They didn’t eat; too distracted by work.
2. When perusing through their iTunes, you found that the most-played track was…
a.) “Sexy and I Know It,” LMFAO
b.) “Put a Spell On You,” Nina Simone
c.) “Sex On Fire,” Kings of Leon
d.) “If You Can’t Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed,” Dashboard Confessional
e.) “Who Let the Dogs Out,” Baha Men
3. When fighting, your ex’s response was usually…
a.) Punching something.
b.) Telling their best friends about it behind your back, and getting revenge.
c.) Backing you into a corner; bringing up old things that make you feel bad.
d.) They were bipolar; sarcastic and indifferent one second, wildly raging the next.
e.) Threatening to put the dog to sleep.
4. After the break-up, your ex sent texts along the lines of…
a.) Naked photos of him/herself, along with the caption, “Good luck finding another pair as firm as THESE.”
b.) “I HOPE YOU NEVER TALK, EVER AGAIN.”
c.) “Ey, c’monnnn. You know you miss going down on my Styx. HEY-OHHHHH!”
d.) “Oh, fine. Whatever. No ill will, right? …Sleep with one eye open.”
e.) “You better keep an eye on that dog of yours!”
5. Your ex’s fashion style could best be described as…
a.) Tight. And practical, for their active lifestyle. And tight.
b.) Weirdly sexy.
c.) Simple, comfortable. Silly t-shirts. Though he’s pretty sure he looks smokin’.
d.) Some days they were bright and cheerful; others, black and foreboding.
e.) Not vegan.
6. Your ex would most likely make headlines for…
a.) Committing a hate crime.
b.) Getting into a fight over a grocery store’s last item.
c.) Having the worst audition in Last Comic Standing history.
d.) Being a textbook sociopath.
e.) Violating PETA-endorsed laws.
7. All in all, your ex’s only redeeming quality was…
a.) Their health.
b.) Their “I get what I want” attitude.
c.) Their hair.
d.) Their sarcasm.
e.) Their perseverance.
Mostly As: Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast
The ultimate ego-maniac, concerned more with their own fitness than with you, period. Loud, obnoxious — especially when around their friends — and, not to mention, flagrantly bigoted. Think: quintessential frat guy.
Mostly Bs: Ursula, from The Little Mermaid
Friends set you up with them — acquaintances, really — and when you first met, you could’ve sworn your date was charming and generous. But, of course, as the story goes, the longer you knew each other, the more that crazy started to come out. And soon enough, you found out they’re actually evil corporate minds determined to take over Wall Street through questionable business dealings. And witchcraft.
Mostly Cs: Hades, from Hercules
This guy. Yeah. You remember this guy. How, if you didn’t laugh at all of their jokes, including the bad ones, they’d go bipolar and suddenly burst at the seams with insecurity and rage? They had plans to make it all the way to the top, and you were only there to back them up. And if you ever thought about leaving, this was the guy who threatened to post nude photos of you all over the web. Epic douche.
Mostly Ds: Maleficent, from Sleeping Beauty
A master of the art of Sarcasm, or, at least, Bipolarity, you could rarely ever tell when your ex-beau was kidding or about to curse you into damnation. No signs of compassion were ever shown, and sometimes you were afraid they’d kill you in your sleep.
Mostly Es: Cruella de Vil, from 101 Dalmations
Obsessed with high-fashion — particularly fur — your ex knew what they wanted and never gave two craps about the consequences. Self-centred, completely lacking in compassion, and they didn’t even like puppies. Not to mention that crazy-eye of theirs. And the smoking. *shudder*