1. What is your favorite animal?
a.) Humans – They are dominant over all other animals.
b.) Cats – They are the cleanest animals and they don’t stand for anything less than perfection.
c.) Anything that lives in a hole – Holes are safe and warm. Oh, eww, holes in the ground, sicko!
d.) Dolphins – They enjoy sex just like humans and would probably be sex positive if they knew what that meant.
2. What’s your favorite type of fruit?
a.) Grapes fed to me by my partner.
b.) Perfectly cut apple slices.
c.) Grapefruit. They have really thick skins.
d.) Whipped cream.
3. How do you react to stress?
a.) I punch things… then I take on the problem full force.
b.) I get really overwhelmed and nearly non-functional in life.
c.) I hide. Maybe it will all blow over on its own.
d.) I jump in a hot tub of naked people.
4. Where did you sit in the classroom?
a.) Sit? I stirred a mutiny and was teaching that class.
b.) Right in the front, arm raised high and pencils neatly laid out.
c.) Way in the back. Maybe if I don’t make eye contact the teacher won’t call on me.
d.) Behind the bleachers, making out with someone cute.
5. What’s your favorite color?
a.) Red. Bring it.
b.) A love/hate relationship with the color white.
c.) Gray, or maybe blue, or possibly a grayish blue? Or Yellow.
d.) Black. For a number of reasons.
If you chose mostly A, you are The Puppet Master
You treat your partners like sex-puppets. If you come, great; if they don’t, well, they can masturbate or something, because you’re going to roll over and fall asleep. You’re immensely aggressive and probably freak out a number of partners to the point where they run from your grasp with superhuman naked vigor. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that sex swing in your living room, but maybe you should ask before you strap your partner to it for a couple days. Just a thought.
If you chose mostly B, you are The Princess
If you’re going to have sex, everything has to be just perfect. You need the right lighting, right sheets, right partner (okay, that one’s important), right hairstyle, and right zodiac cycle. If even the smallest of things were out of whack, you’d rather just read 50 Shades and go to sleep. Maybe you should lighten up a little and stop being so boring-town.
If you chose mostly C, you are The Rabbit
Rabbits tend to be skittish, shaky and terribly insecure. Sound familiar? You have a ridiculous sex drive buried somewhere inside, but you’re not confident enough to let it shine! You should probably masturbate more (there’s a vibrator named after you even!), discuss your sexual fantasies and read filthy romance novels. Basically, just get more comfortable with your body and your sexual appetite, so you can get what you want out of sex! Then hop out of your goddamn hole and start screwing like… well… rabbits!
If you chose mostly D, you are The Connoisseur
You’ve had A LOT of sex. All kinds of sex, with all kinds of partners and toys and gender configurations. You’ve seen it, you’ve seen it all. If your sexual partner knows this, they are probably pretty intimidated. How can they compete with sex parties, or that crazy contraption you keep in your nightstand? They fear they’re going to be the Bud Light to your bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild! But you just like sex! Bottom shelf or top, it’s still sex. So make your partner feel cherished and use your experience for good, not self-esteem-killing evil.
