Everyone gets all crazy about who wore the best dress at the Oscars. Honestly, most of the dresses look pretty ridiculous. Every year. Here’s a review of the frilly things, for anyone who doesn’t know anything about fashion, or really doesn’t care.
1. We generally don’t get a report on the temperature at the Oscars.
2. This dress reminds me of the ocean. Except, the ocean during a red tide…meaning, it sucked the air out of the room and killed thousands of tiny marine wildlife.
3. Macklemore has a coat made out of this fabric.
4. Lots of gals tried to copy Angelina Jolie this year with even higher leg slits. Sorry, gals, not everyone can be a meme.
5. Jennifer Lawrence’s dress reminds me of a classic noir femme fatale. Beautiful, but the second you get comfortable and let your guard down, it tries to kill you.
6. This year’s fashion: brought to you by Tron.
7. Jennifer Aniston probably should have avoided rubbing her head with that balloon right before the red carpet.
8. Sorry, kids, no Barbies will be produced this year, Maria Menuonos used up all the pink die and hair spray and perfect body proportions.
9. Kelly Rowland’s dress celebrates breast asymmetry: a condition many women across the globe deal with daily.
10. It looks like a swan threw up on Kristen Stewart, and then broke her ankle.