Although P.T. Anderson’s newest film The Master was a success with critics, it wasn’t a knockout at the box office.
Now, Comediva has learned that, because of this, P.T. Anderson has decided to give up on filming dramatic movies and is moving to a genre that can always be counted on for big box office cash: monster movies!
As always, Comediva has your exclusive preview of some of the monster movies P.T. Anderson has got in the works:
Boogeyman Nights will tell the story of how the Boogey Man rose to popularity as a porn star in the 1970s. Boogey Man’s horrifyingly grotesque features and unusually large… tentacle… make him an instant celebrity in the monster world. But things take a turn for the worst when Boogey’s addiction to crack make it difficult for him to keep his famously large tentacle erect. After losing his job, Boogey makes a desperate attempt to sell fake cocaine to the Hunchback of Notre Dame (played brilliantly by Alfred Molina); but the deal goes bust and Boogey barely escapes with his life intact. In the end, The Boogeyman returns to the porn industry and the moral of the story is that Don Cheadle can play pretty much anything, even a washed-up porn star.
The Blob is a socially awkward monster tortured by his overbearing sisters—all of them banshees. One day, The Blob falls in love with a 50-foot woman named Lena. But before he can woo her, The Blob gets tangled up in a sex hotline scam. This leads to a group of thugs showing up at the Blob’s doorstep asking to collect money from him. To combat the thugs, The Blob grows into an enormous, oozing mass that engulfs the men, engulfs Lena, and then engulfs something called a “harmonium” — just as the screen displays the words “The End?”
There Will Be Blood Sucking
In the 1900s, Count Dracula settles in a small American town to drill for oil — and suck the town dry of blood. He creates an elaborate set of underground tunnels that allow him to suck the blood of unsuspecting townspeople (a strategy he calls “I-drink-your-milkshake!” bloodsucking). The story comes to a gripping climax when it’s revealed that Dracula’s half-brother, Count Chocula, is actually an imposter and Dracula has to drive a steak — made out of a bowling ball pin — into the imposter’s heart.
Several monsters — The Wolfman, Swamp Thing, Frankenstein, The Phantom of The Opera, and The Mummy — appear to be strangers on the surface, but they end up discovering that their lives are deeply interconnected. Throughout the movie, they all experience a series of events that tie their fates together. The film will feature a moving sequence in which all the monsters (each in their own monster lair) join together to sing a song written by Aimee Man, while outside it rains giant spiders — a random plot point that the audience will never quite understand but will always agree was totally awesome.