In an effort to help you understand the true meaning of all those rose-colored claims, here is a list of popular buzzwords and their real translations.
Down to Earth = Dirt poor.
Chill = Drunk, and possibly high. Bring bail money.
Seeking someone outgoing and fun = Sluts only, please.
Just looking to see what’s out there = Want a commitment? Don’t count on me. Hell, I can’t even leave the house to hunt for ass.
Looking for an honest relationship = YOU should be honest, me… not so much.
Take it slow = I date as many people as possible. Hop on board the Train-Wreck Express.
Just hanging out… = (… of my pants).
Are all the good ones taken? = Have I chased them all off with my insanity? Do I need to move? Again.
Energetic. = Coke addict.
Loves life. = Until someone else brings me down. I’ll blame our inevitable break up on you.
People person. = Whore.
Looking for a best friend. = Seeking a piggy bank and an enabler.
Passionate. = Emotionally unstable. Think restraining order.
Good looking and successful. = Self-absorbed jackass.
I have… (property, fancy car, high-paying job, etc.). = I’m hoping this will get me laid and inspire you to put up with a lot of B.S. along the way.
No head games. = Only one of us can play those in this relationship, and that would be me.
Sensitive and caring. = Co-dependent and clingy.
Go to the gym three to four times a week. = Mainly to ogle members of the opposite sex. I’ve not had success, so I’m trying my luck online with photos that are 20 years old.
Creative artist. = Unreliable swinger. You may get an STD.
Looking for someone who will treat me (like a lady/like a man). = Pay my bills and let me behave like a child.
Loves to cuddle. = Impotent.
Ready to start dating again. = Still emotionally defunct and unavailable.
I don’t have faith in online dating. = I’m playing coy and want you to think I’m different than every other crotch-sniffer on here.
Looking for a good personality. = Must be attractive AND a doormat.
A real catch. = I’ve been tossed back MANY times before, but I swear I’m worth the raging insanity and all-night drinking binges.
Friends first. = With benefits. I want to date and sleep with a LOT of people, and you need to win me over while I pick the person who strokes to my ego the best.
Self-employed. = Pan-handler.
Average. = Fat.
Athletic. = Stocky/fat.
A few extra pounds… = …worth of double chins
I look in my 30s. = I’m really in my late 40s and can’t face the reality that I should date someone my own age.
Looking for something more.
= Looking for the next best thing. I’ll never be satisfied.Looking for someone who is sweet… = … and a sucker.
Young at heart. = I drive a white van with no windows and have a bumper sticker that says, “My other car is an ice cream truck.”
Spontaneous. = Stupid – possibly a result of poor genetics or too many times trying to emulate the guys from Jackass.
I will rock your world… = after I slip you a roofie.
Sense of humor a must. = I look funny naked.
