Occupy Disney

Occupy Wall Street stands against corporate greed.  However, this greed has existed in the Disney Lands for quite some time.genie_aladdin_txt


Chairman of Friend Like Me, Inc.

When he was found guilty of securities fraud, it sent shock waves from Adventureland to Tomorrowland.  At his peak, Genie was among the richest of the 1%.  For years, he threw lavish parties, attracting many social elites, including: the Aristocats, the late Colonel Gaddafi, and King Triton, among countless others.  The fraud was traced back to his involvement with the now exiled Prince Ali, known to FBI authorities as “Aladdin.”  In his Ponzi scheme of wishes, Genie promised enormous returns on relatively small wish investments, which rarely came true.  During sentencing, prosecutors demanded that Genie be given the maximum sentence of an eternity inside a lamp while the defense recommended half an eternity without the possibility for fast passes.  On June 29, an Arabian night, the judge sentenced Genie to a quarter of an eternity to be spent at the maximum security Cave of Wonders penitentiary.the-beast_money-breathBeast

Interim CEO of Enchanted Rose, Ltd.

One of the more reclusive of the Disney 1%ers, the Beast has rarely been seen in the public eye, due to being under house arrest for corporate espionage.  The Beast lives in a monstrously huge castle, built atop a nature preserve, which keeps property value at an all time high.  The estate boasts 70-foot ceilings, round-the-clock concierge service, an indoor Del Taco, and an exact replica of the Playboy grotto.  It’s currently estimated to be worth $80 Million.  Undisclosed sources report that the Beast does not provide his servants with quality health care.  A servant named Chip, who has part of his face missing due to a work related injury, could not be reached for comment.  In 1991, due to a candelabra whistle blower, the nearby village filed a class action lawsuit against the Beast on charges of privacy infringement, alleging he used his magic mirror technology to spy on women in the shower.robin-hood-3

Prince John

Inheritor to the Nottingham Wealth.

After a deceptive coup d’état that forced King Richard to engage in a bloody religious crusade, Prince John inherited the throne.  During his reign, he enforced a strict taxation policy.  No one could escape taxation, including: religious institutions, the severely handicapped, or even children in extreme poverty.  Ever increasing taxes resulted in extensive class warfare and heists led by the ‘Danny Ocean’ of Nottingham, Robin Hood.  However, the notoriously left-leaning Marxist, Hood, was found dead in a hotel room, along with Lady Cluck, in an apparent murder-suicide.  Conspiracy theorists have alleged that this was the work of Prince John’s National Security Advisor, Old Bushel-Britches.sultan_aladdin_txt

The Sultan

Primary shareholder of Agrabah Investment Firm, L.L.C.

The wealth-to-poverty ratio in Agrabah is arguably among the worst in any of the Disney lands.  The Sultan, along with his shady chief financial officer, Jafar, has slowly transformed the city into a police state with royal guards ruthlessly patrolling the streets, often times engaging in police brutality against the proletariat.  High crime, including robbery and aggravated assaults, plague the city as well.  When A Whole New World Times broke the story of Princess Jasmine outsourcing her tiger-skinning factory overseas and earning record profits, the population arranged Occupy Agrabah.  Jafar quickly gave a public condemnation, calling the protesters, “lazy hipster street rats.”scroogeinspect

Scrooge McDuck

Chairman of the Disney Federal Reserve.

Scrooge McDuck is the definition of the 1%.  In fact, he’s been labeled the 1% of the 1%.  Just look at his irresponsible fiscal policy:

He is literally swimming in reserve capital instead of putting the money to good use, like starting new businesses to boost job creation or even encouraging banks to start lending more Disney Dollars.  Scrooge has also been known to be a tyrant employer, often forcing his employees to work overtime on religious holidays.  The public is demanding the complete disbandment of Scrooge McDuck Industries, arguing that it’s a major contributor to the Disney deficit, resulting in hyper-inflated food prices in Disneyland, i.e $4.50 for a bottled water and an ever increasing price for churros.


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About the author

A Cal State Fullertonian, Daniel (aka Boytern) uses Chipotle loopholes in order to pay substantially less for his steak burritos. He also practices the ancient art of arm signaling while driving since his front blinkers don't exist. He hasn't thrown up in 10 years, which he considers one of his greatest accomplishments to date. His hopes? Become a better comedy writer.

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