Everyone knows the reason why the Flat Iron piece was kicked out of the Monopoly box. If not, let us enlighten you. Monopoly has survived for over seventy years because, at the core, its symbolic pieces are open to change and are forward thinking. The Flat Iron’s days are over because the Flat Iron is a damn reactionary prude.
It’s a well-documented fact that the Monopoly Box encourages freedom (let’s hear it for capitalism) and progress.
And as it just so happens, Monopoly pieces are free spirits with uncannily huge libidos. Being that they are a rather diverse bunch, not all of them endorse monogamy; a few of them are atheists; and, as science would have it, they’re all sterile.
So, tired of the Flat Iron’s judging stares and annoying habit of distributing abstinence pamphlets up and down Indiana Ave., the rest of the Monopoly tokens voted to have the priggish Flat Iron, whose innermost beliefs are that a woman’s home is in the kitchen of some conservatively appointed apartment on St. James Place, banished in exchange for the introduction of a progressive new feline vixen. Meow.
Look at that thing, a shiny new symbol of the future. No wonder the other tokens find it irresistible. The other pieces reactions were those of acceptance, celebration, and romance.
Within moments of Hasbro’s announcement of the new piece, the Scotty Dog token asked Cat out on a date via Facebook message. By the by, Scotty Dog is a girl, so in a way this is kind of a milestone in gay board game inanimate object hookup history.
So, who else’s heartstrings and loins might be affected by this new kitty player?
The Shoe doesn’t stand a chance with the Cat. It doesn’t even have any laces to play with. Sorry, Shoe. Go find Top Hat and have a hot and heavy haberdasherifically heated boinking session in the broom closet of B&O Railroad’s shitty 24 hour diner. Get freaky.
The Wheelbarrow, being the most sophisticated of all pieces might be able to win the Cat’s affections through erudite discourse, but that romance will be tested when the Battleship enters with his big ol’ weapons and Laissez-faire attitudes.
Racecar, with whom the Battleship has often tangled, will likely be the first to host a sexy party in a hotel on Ventnor Avenue where the Cat will be formally introduced. Too bad Battleship is never invited to Racecar’s sexy parties.
Perhaps, if the Cat ever chooses to settle down with a mate, it could possibly be with Thimble, within whom she could curl up. The quiet, thoughtful Thimble also reminds us that DIY projects are cool. He asserts that that real men can sew, and that doing whatever makes you happy is what it’s all about. Even if it is shacking up with a Cat in a new hotel on Park Place.
What will happen to Flat Iron? Perhaps she will develop a drug addiction and wake up one day strung out in Candyland’s Lollipop Woods next to three Red Pawns from Sorry and a Roman Numberal X from Risk.
That’s just one theory, anyway.