Since the only thing gay-er than Broadway is Hollywood, NPH’s off-collar remarks about the gay community would fit in perfectly at The Oscars. (“Welcome to The 85th Academy Awards, or as we like to call it: Extremely Gay and Incredibly Well Groomed.”) NPH would open the show with a song and dance number that would explore what it’d be like if life were really like the movies: “You could achieve impossible feats like escaping explosions in a single leap; scaling a tall skyscraper like The Caped Crusader; or act in comedies that make audiences shed a painful tear like Adam Sandler who — for some reason — still has a career!”
NPH’s tendency to improvise songs that help summarize everything that happens during an awards show could provide some much-needed cohesiveness to The Grammys. We imagine that NPH’s closing rap song for The Grammys would go something like this: “Kanye West went home with a Best Rap Grammy, and thanked his Mommy. Britney Spears presented Best Pop Song, then showed us her edible thong. Lady Gaga’s performance set the crowd ablaze, but when Madonna crashed it in a desperate move to stay relevant, Madonna and her broccoli dress were escorted offstage.”
NPH would provide some gaiety to an event that usually only features a bunch of teary-eyed speeches about blossoming womanhood. To help lighten up the mood then, NPH would have a pre-rehearsed bit with the Taco Lady serving dinner at the event. The bit would include a song and dance number in which NPH and the Taco Lady feigned a bitter rivalry. The number would end with the both of them throwing tacos and Horchata at each other.
Your Nephew’s 5th Birthday Party at Chuck E. Cheese
As soon as the pizza is served at your nephew’s 5th Birthday Party, NPH would introduce the Chuck E. Cheese animatronics show with one of his clever zingers: “His pizza always tastes like feet, his indoor playground usually smells like kid farts, and his arcade games are often covered in dry toddler boogers. Ladies and gentlemen: please welcome Chuck E. Cheese and his band of creepy robots who are sure to haunt your dreams for the rest of your adult lives!”
NPH’s hosting prowess would come in handy for Bar Mitzvahs, especially during the traditional Hora circle dance, in which the boy celebrating his Bar Mitzvah is lifted in a chair while the guests dance in a circle around him. NPH would improve upon the choreography of the traditional dance though: he’d add a jazz hands number and a big finish where the whole family suddenly stopped dancing, and then landed in dramatic poses while the Bar Mitzvah boy fired a confetti cannon at the audience.