Why My Mom Shouldn’t Miss Me

So, I thought my mom was missing me when I saw this on her Facebook: 

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{Her computer at work}

But it would appear that circumstances have not improved, as this is what her Facebook profile looks like now:

screen-shot-2013-07-09-at-9-40-35-pm1{Maybe blurring out her name was unnecessary… but, whatever, just don’t stalk my mom, okay?}

The profile picture is me at The Bluebird Cafe in Nashville, taken on our road trip to LA, and her cover photo is of us on St. Patrick’s Day 48 hours before we left for said road trip (I’d like to add that my hair is a particularly fuh-resh shade of brilliant, copper red right there. I always get the roots touched up before St. Paddy’s because that is the one day of year when I. AM. QUEEN. Suddenly evvverybody loves a red head on Irish Day. Where were you people the other 364? Spare me your Jessica Rabbit childhood anecdotes. It is too little too late, friend.)

Now, Mom, I know it must be hard for your oldest child to move across the country, but I feel like I have to remind you that I wasn’t that great to live with, anyway. Sure, I’m fun to go to the mall with and I know how you like your white wine spritzers (half Sprite, half Ginger Ale with a floater of Pinot Greeg that after your first sip will be watered down with more Sprite and Ginger Ale, and garnished with a jar of maraschino cherries), but there are plenty of reasons why your life must be easier now that I’m out of the house, like:

  • I never move the coffee table back when I’m done with my exercise videos. It’s kinda heavy and my Jillian Michael’s videos make my arms feelz like Jell-oz!
  • Related: I make you do exercise DVDs while I drink a glass of wine and yell that you’re doing it wrong.
  • From the Desk of My Mother:

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  • I don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste, even when the cap is attached to the toothpaste.
  • The cereal bags always end up ripping straight down the middle when I try to open them.
  • You get mad at me for drinking from all the communal beverages in the fridge (I still don’t see the big deal).
  • You must be saving a fortune from all the 2 Buck Chuck and Greek yogurt you don’t have to buy.
  • No one’s trying to make you eat quinoa anymore.
  • “It’s your tone” – my mom

and finally/apparently….

  • I “don’t know how [I] sound sometimes.”

See? I’m pretty much the worst.

Although, who will drive hours with you just to go on binge eating field trips?

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We are literally the only people I know who will drive an hour to the beach just to eat and go back home! Oh, Mumsie, I miss you (though I don’t miss you coming into my room screaming at 6am because you can’t find the comb).

***

Check out more of Dara’s hilarious work at Brunch for Every Meal!


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About the author

My name’s Dara, and I’m a comedic actor and writer. I write about everything (dating, things I find annoying [which is a lot of things], food, reality Housewives from all walks of life), and I can tell you that if you really like brunch, you will probably enjoy half-reading my blog while you watch Ice Loves Coco (btw, that’s another thing I write about a lot). I know this because if you appreciate brunch and believe in its ideals of unapologetic fancy-shmancy-ness, the right to order pancakes even if you don’t get out of bed til noon, and judgement-free drinking of champagne before 3pm… then you might like the blog written by someone who also believes in those things.

See Dara’s blog at: http://brunchforeverymeal.com

View all articles by Dara Laine

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