I’m talking like Paranormal Activity scary. Okay, no. More like it’s-so-deliberate-and-over-the-top-it’s-hilarious kind of scary. You know like, M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening kind of scary?
On last night’s episode, Claire once again approaches motherhood with the same reluctance and resignation of a TSA agent about to pat down an old lady with a beard.
Alex, Claire’s daughter, is graduating from middle school and Claire is scared sh*tless that this will mean that her affectionate, loyal, loving younger daughter will become just like her moody, self-involved, text-happy, boyfriend-crazy older daughter, Haley.
(Which we all know is not gonna happen: Alex is totally a lesbian.)
Okay, Julie Bowen, we’re getting goosebumps. Calm down.
When the time comes to go to Alex’s graduation ceremony, the front gate of the house won’t open to let their cars out.
Claire’s gonna miss Alex’s valedictorian speech! A speech which we all suspect will end something like: “… and one day I will fulfill my dream of building my own house, buying a truck, and becoming a professor of Gender studies at a liberal arts school.”
Oh no. Claire’s mad. And when Claire gets mad her eyes turn white, her voice goes down an octave, she levitates, dark clouds start to descend and she declares: “I AM STORRRR…”
Okay, no. But she does start to freak out.
Okay, Julie, we’re feeling a chill run down our spines. Just be cool, okay?
Claire and Phil climb over the gate and decide to go directly to the ceremony in a two-person bicycle. But on their way to the ceremony, the bike breaks down.
Uh Oh. Claire’s mad again. And when Claire gets mad she starts to turn green, get really big muscles, tear her shirt off and become THE INCREDIBLE HULLLL…
Okay no. But she does start to lose it.
Claire fears that when Alex graduates, Alex will never love her the same way again — because when children grow up, they end up hating you.
Thanks, Julie. You just made us sh*t our pants. We’re opting out of having babies and have decided to adopt our neighbor’s neglected hamster instead.
As Claire breaks down, a truck full of polite, hard-working Mexicans who speak impeccable English volunteer to drive Phil and Claire to the ceremony.
(Modern Family I can’t believe you would perpetuate such negative racial stereotypes!)
After the graduation ceremony, Alex opts out of dinner with the family and Claire clings desperately to Haley as her last chance of receiving unconditional love from her children.
Julie, thank you for finally showing America how hard motherhood really is.
But we’re still getting our tubes tied.
****
Okay, I have to admit that in the “Good Cop, Bad Cop” episode Claire made me want to change my ways and learn to have more fun! And, actually yeah, she kind of validates my reasons for not wanting children. 😉 But that’s family for ya, in the end, you gotta love everyone’s little quirks!