On last night’s Modern Family, it was Jay’s big birthday — what is he like, 98? — and the family spent half of the episode scrambling around desperately trying to please him, and the other half of the episode walking on pins and needles trying to avoid pissing him off.
Holy, Aretha Franklin, Batman!
Is Ed O’Neill—of Married With Children fame—playing Jay like a big ol’ Diva?
(Say yes.)
Yes! I knew you’d agree.
First, Jay tells the audience that all he wants to do for his birthday is sit on a fishing boat alone, far away from everyone else.
Oooh snap Ed O’Neill! We totally get it. Your fishing boat is like Mariah Carey’s dressing room: a place to sip your Diet Coke and be at one with yourself before you go out and belt that ear-piercing solo.
But there’s a foil to Jay’s plans: A pet groomer calls to tell him that he needs to pick up his dog. When the pet groomer gives him attitude, Jay snaps back at her:
“You know who did your job in my day?” he says. “A hose.”
Ooooh, snap, Ed O’Neill! Way to go all Beyonce on that dog groomer’s ass by making sure she doesn’t think that she’s irreplaceable.
Then, Cameron gets kicked out of the cake shop and asks Jay to buy his own birthday cake.
Ooooh, snap Ed’ O’Neil! We saw how mad you got when you heard you had to buy your own birthday cake. You had that steely, cold, vengeful face that only Madonna gets when she realizes she’s been given bad lighting and then proceeds to stab the lighting guy in the eye with her cone bra.
Finally, the third foil to Jay’s plans is when Mitchell and Claire ask Jay to pick them up from their old house. On the drive back, Jay gives them a piece of his mind, letting them know that his new pair of pants could have been torn while trying to save them.
Ooooh, snap Ed O’Neill! A little more of the ‘tude and you would have sounded just like Janet Jackson backstage after her wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Superbowl Half-Time Show. I heard Janet set a Diva record that day by giving 22 members of her staff bitch slaps and then making Justin Timberlake cry a river.
By the end of the show, Jay’s disappointment is so huge that the only thing that cheers him up is when Manny — only a child — has to drag a fishing boat into a swimming pool.
Oooh, snap Ed O’ Neill! Resorting to child labor to bring you the thing you wanted in the first place?
You are a true diva after our own hearts. Will you bitch slap us, please?
****
I DO.