So we have to ask: which uninspired parts could the most heralded actress in Hollywood have taken all the way down the red carpet?
Bella Swan in Twilight
Kristen Stewart’s performance in the adaptation has been described as “Blah” by very sophisticated critics. And people who accidentally laughed at accidentally funny moments. But is that completely Stewart’s fault? The saga’s so-called “protagonist” should really be called a “wah-tagonist,” and the only way to correct that would be to fill the role with a known BAMF. Werewolf or stalker-vamp? How about one child or the other? Streep’s dealt with way harder Choices in her day.
Ricki in Gigli
Don’t worry, I didn’t see this one, either. However, the IMDb description for the movie reads, “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.” Adding Meryl Streep would have made it “A hard-hitting examination of contemporary social politics regarding stigmas associated with queerness, gender, and disabilities,” instead. Probably.
Terl in Battlefield Earth
I mean, look at that beard… and the nose-earring thingy… She makes that ish look good. And, thanks to Devil Wears Prada, there’s no denying Streep’s talent for surprising everyone with convincingly bitchtastic bossypantsitude.
Johnny Rico in Starship Troopers
Remember this awesomely bad gem? Throw in some Streep Swagga and you get an awesomely badass piece of indestructible space rock. Or, you know, her presence alone will be enough to assure any viewer of its sheer bug-busting magic; the icon’s reached a point in her career where she can do any movie that strikes her fancy without running the risk of killing her career. Bring on the aliens/Michael Bay movies!
Mary-Kate and Ashley in Any Mary-Kate and Ashley Movie
Because what’s better than one Meryl Streep? MULTIPLE MERYL STREEPSES. Any excuse to have as many of the every-award-imaginable-winner on-screen as possible is a surefire win. Two Streeps traipsing around NY, say, on a typical Olsen-venture, sassing at one another, breaking up, making up, sassing others, carrying around an ironically hideous dog… Unadulterated epicness. That’s math.