Mentors Who’ve Led Us Astray

Sometimes, movie mentors royally fuck up.  Some clearly spend more time dry-cleaning their robes than actually coming up with good advice for their proteges (yes, we’re calling you out, Dumbledore!).  Others leave our heroes to fend for themselves as a test of their mettle.  But they may as well have left them in a box outside of a 7-11, for all the good they accomplished.

Some shitty mentors are about to get BUSTED!

6)  Yoda to the entire Jedi Order in Star Wars

From the moment that hairy-eared bastard showed up in Empire, his batty demeanor was a slap in the face to all the Jedi who died due to his incompetent stewardship of the Order.  You’d think that after living 900 years, he’d be able to tell when the fucking DARK LORD OF THE SITH is having dinner with him.  And, when you have a REALLY BAD FEELING about training some snot-nosed little punk, here’s a thought: Don’t. Train. Him.  So Yoda ends up practically senile, living in a swamp, eating space-pea soup and Melba toast, and muttering sweet nothings to Mace Windu’s Force-ghost.  When 900 years old you reach, living in a swamp, hot does not make you … or something.  Yoda is green, and let’s face it, anybody who’s green is bound to be a moron.

Redeeming Quality:  Size matters not.  Convenient philosophy for a dude who’s packing a baby saber.

5)  Pai Mei to Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill

There’s nothing worse in a mentor than an elitist attitude towards utensils.  When you’re really hungry, and a huge asshole whips his Beard of Indifference in your general direction and knocks your bowl of rice to the ground, it can inspire homicidal rage.  Which is actually a good thing when training assassins.  Speaking of the Beard of Indifference, it can’t be easy to take a dude seriously when he obviously spends a great portion of his time styling his wacky “Look at me!” facial hair.  Metrosexual, much?

Redeeming Quality:  Pai Mei does earn points, though, for making Beatrix Kiddo learn to punch through a board, even if it made her knuckles bleed.  That certainly came in handy when she had to bust out of her grave.

4)  Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter in the Harry Potter series

Now that Book 7 has finally been brought to the silver screen, we can safely have a spoiler-free talk about how Dumby couldn’t have screwed Harry Potter any more, unless he jammed a wand up his ass.  This fucker led Harry Potter like a cow to slaughter.  Leaving him a bunch of cryptic, nonsensical “clues” about the early life of Tom Riddle left Harry with no option but to get his smart chick friend to figure it out.  If it wasn’t for Hermione, Harry would have been too busy horcrux-ing around with Ginny Weasley to Avada Kedavra the robes off of Voldy.  Thanks, Professor, it’s not like anyone’s life was on the line or anything, right?  Fucking gross hand was your punishment.  Shitehead.

Redeeming Quality:  The only nice thing to say about Albus Dumbledore is that he always had a really decent selection of candy.

3)  V to Evey in V for Vendetta

You never mess with a girl’s hair!  Natalie Portman is lucky that she has such nice bone structure, ’cause her “mentor,” and we use that word loosely, V, sure wasn’t doing her any favors with that impromptu head-shave.  Torture isn’t usually the method of choice in the mentor-mentee relationship, but shit, whatever works.  And look at the results, V turned a television producer into a bad-ass freedom fighter who blew up Parliament and Big Ben.  You go, Stockholm Syndrome!

Redeeming Quality:  V had kick-ass fashion sense.  That mask!  That pilgrim hat!  Those burn scars!  Rachel Zoe is bananas over his winter line!

2)  Tyler Durden to The Narrator in Fight Club

Elevating bullshitting yourself to a whole ‘nother level.  There’s nothing more unsettling than discovering the mentor you’ve been taking orders from is actually … a fucked up version of who you want to be!  This can be especially disconcerting when he’s convinced you to start an underground fight club and a terrorist organization, and burn your own hand with acid!  Plus: the whole mouth-shooting thing.  Not to mention the whole screwing your weird girlfriend part … does it count as cheating if it was actually with you?

Redeeming Quality:  One word.  Abs.  Tyler Durden has at least 8 redeeming qualities that we can count.

1)  Obi-Wan Kenobi to Anakin AND Luke Skywalker in Star Wars

Old Ben failed not only one young Jedi-wannabe named Skywalker, but two!  First, just-graduated Jedi Knight Obi-Wan insisted that HE was the one that should train young Anakin.  He got his way, and the galaxy paid the price for his hubris.  Then, “wise” Obi-Wan didn’t prevent Anakin’s fall to the dark side AND failed to stop him from destroying most of the Jedi (oh, the younglings!)  Obi-Wan finally savagely hacked him apart, then cruelly left Anakin amputated, and on fire, and ALIVE, which allowed Darth Vader to dominate the galaxy for the next 20 years.  One merciful swipe of his lightsaber would have changed everything!

But that’s not the end of Obi-Wan’s screw ups.  After rightfully disappearing into the desert to atone for his horrendous, limb-severing crimes, he should have faded into obscurity to be known as Old Ben, that creepy perv in the desert.  But no, he gave naive young Luke a few half-assed lightsaber lessons (where the laser remote did ALL the work!) and then he gave up in the middle of a fight and fucking died.  Some mentor.  Then, he thought that gave him the right to follow Luke around as a ghost and take credit for his Jedi accomplishments.  Look Obi-Wan, everyone hates a credit monger.

Redeeming Quality:  Giving us the iconic line, “Use the Force, Luke!”  At least he did one cool thing.


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About the author

Hi! I’m Erika Cervantes. I’m a comedy writer, a Chihuahua mama, a cupcake enthusiast, and most importantly… I keep the team well-sugared with motivational speeches and home-made cookies.

Hello! I’m Luis Navarro, and I’m Comediva’s Director of Operations. Also known as, the token manslave. But when they let me out of my manbox, I often write and act in Comediva creations, and I’m the straight guy in Lesbros. I’m also a martial artist, a therapist, I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the Star Wars expanded universe, and I’m man enough to admit a fondness for unicorns.

View all articles by Erika and Luis Navarro

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