Lucille and Skittles’ Happy Horoscopes

LuilleHolidays_resizedMy Yamama says that horoscopes are the newspaper’s way of sneaking the message of Satan in by the funny pages, but I know they’re something Shirley dictates from crumpled napkins.  No one knows where she is today, so Skittles and I are going to tell your future today!

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  Don’t make a mountain of a molehill.  Your cat isn’t sick, it’s just a hairball!

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  Something is missing from your life, but you’ll find it this week.  Yes, they finally made a litter box that can flush!

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  Remember to relax and stop worrying this week: everything will sort itself out.  And that patch of sun is premium catnap territory!

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  Just like your cat, you deserve the best.  Don’t sell yourself short: this week, get the Oreos instead of Hydrox!  (My Yamama says that Hydrox are an affront to the hallowed American cookie tradition.)

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  Don’t believe everything you hear this week.  For example, Shirley told me unicorns don’t make the mix for Angel’s Food cake.  Then where could it come from, Shirley?  Real angels?  Sillyhead!

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  We all make mistakes.   Just like that kitty hanging from a tree branch, don’t you give up!  This is your week to improve!

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:  This is a good week for you to try something new!  Not for your cat, though… if you switch foods too rapidly, you’ll get wet kitty poo.  That’s not good!

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]:  What do you need?  Perhaps it’s already right in front of you.  Is it… kitty snuggles?!?

Cancer [June 22 – July 22]:   Don’t let anything bug you this week.  But just in case you do have bugs this week, make sure you use Frontline!

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]:  This week, a long-awaited plan will be put into action. So watch your cat carefully, because last time Skittles had a plan, it involved defrosting and eating all our frozen salmon when I was asleep!  Sneaky Skittles!

Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]:  A discovery you make this week can alter everything for the better.  Something tells me you just figured out to add Listerine to your water and vinegar when cleaning up cat accidents!

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  Something big is about to happen that will change your whole life!  And something tells me it starts with k and ends with part of the word mittens!! I don’t condone premarital cat relations, but congrats to your new mamacat!

Ophicus [?*&!]:
  I don’t know what you are, but here is a picture of a kitten coming your way!! MEWWWW!



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About the author

Lucille adores slapstick, vaudeville, and zany physical humor ... and cute, cuddly cat videos.  Are you a Lucille?

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