Liam The Duck: A Bisexual Triangle

Part Two:  “Liam’s Take on a Bisexual Sexual Triangle” or “ Liam Scores a Sandwich”

by Liam the Duck


When we last left off, gentle reader, Sandra was just about to reveal herself to a half-drunk Jeremy.  Liam was relaxing beneath the park bench, observing the bi-play as though it were a scene from some fabulously outrageous French farce.

However, just before Sandra could drop the lesbian bomb, Anna ran into the park yelling, “No,” repeatedly.  It went something like this, “No. No. No. No.” You get the idea, or at least, I hope you do.  If not, reader, give up now because it’s about to get much more complicated.


Liam sighed, which was something like a half-quack, half-cough and thought: Wow this is bound to be even more amusing than the first season of “The IT Crowd.”  Liam was a huge fan of Channel 4’s evening programming.

A startled Jeremy slurred, “What’s going on?” as Sandra was pulled away by Anna.  Neither Liam nor Jeremy could overhear the specifics of what was obviously a lovers’ quarrel between the two women.  It was this time Jeremy who sighed and Liam ruffled his feathers as the two women returned, one of whom was crying like a jilted Prom-date.  But rather than lamenting for being left deserted without anyone to button a red-rose boutonnière to, Sandra cried as a product of a painful slap to the face.  Anna was wringing her hands as Jeremy raised his eyebrows.  Had he not been so intoxicated at this moment, he might have had a greater sense of what was going on.  He remained clueless, however, and took a nice long drag from his beer, which was actually cheap cider purchased from Centra — Druid’s Cider. He was like the prom date who had just realized he was actually gay and very much in love with the star quarterback of the football team and couldn’t go through the whole charade of heterosexual social functions. Damn the institution. He took another swig.

Liam quacked then continued his introspection.


Lush, thought the mallard as he sneered in a way that only a judgmental mallard can sneer.  As a matter of fact, he happens to sneer not very well, but Liam didn’t know that, and no one seemed to notice.  As mentioned before, Liam, measuring only a matter of inches in length and fairly well camouflaged, did not stick out in the minds of the lovers here-to-fore-mentioned.  Every now and again one of his quacks (which were really harsh swear words that I do not deign to repeat here) alarmed their ears.

“Fine, but I’m telling him.” Anna said this as she glared at Sandra, who was still sniffling and now shaking in her imported Tom’s Classics.  She knelt down in front of Jeremy and gingerly took his beer from him.  She was acting more tenderly than Sandra had ever seen her; this Sandra found both disconcerting and arousing.

“You might have suspected this,” Anna began.  “I’m seeing someone else.  A girl…” Dramatic pause.  “A woman.”  Liam held his breath which puffed him up a bit, in anticipation of  jilted Jeremy’s reaction.  But there wasn’t one. “And also, I need to tell you this.  She’s not the first.  There was another girl — woman before her.  There was Mildred.”

“Mildred!” enquired/exclaimed Sandra.  Mildred was the manager of the popular coffee franchise where Anna worked.  “When was this?”

“Oh, before I ever met you … and don’t worry … she’s a sex addict.”  There was another slap on the face.  Simultaneously, Sandra walked off silently as Jeremy cradled his head in his hands, ultimately passing out from either too much alcohol, shock, anger, or grief.  It doesn’t so much matter, you see, as the end result remains the same.  Anna stood motionless for a moment as Liam remarked, What a show. Then sensing she was unwelcome, Anna casually, very coolly, wandered off as well.  Presumably to have sex/rekindle-the-romance with Mildred, though we can’t be certain.

Jeremy came-to ten minutes later and stared at Liam who was now paddling gaily around in the pond.  That was the first instance Jeremy called Liam “Anna.”  “There you go, Anna. Take it all. Take everything!”  He tossed Liam the rest of his sandwich.  Liam’s sneer metamorphosed into a smile.





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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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