Bathroom time is sacred to men, and it is meant to be a solitary endeavor. The exposure inherent in public bathrooms makes them disturbing, and creates great vulnerability in guys. In order to navigate this touchy area, a strict set of guidelines have arisen. These tacit laws of the lavatory lay out how a guy should react to a number of variables he may encounter, and maintain the optimal flow of traffic…and urine.
Key Elements
The urinal: The urinal is there to accommodate a quick, in-and-out urination. It is a vital cog that keeps a steady flow of traffic possible, allowing Number-Oners to avoid congestion at the stalls.
The trough: A horrible variation on the urinal is the trough, most often found at sports arenas. The trough is simply a long, open urine receptacle, similar to that used to feed pigs. Some troughs are circular in design, allowing 360 degrees of pissing. Guys line up shoulder-to-shoulder and aim for the disgusting ice that fills the bottom.
The ice: The ice is meant to cut down on splashing, as well as soak up some of the intense ammonia odor created by scores of drunken sports fans.
The Rules
Rule Number 1: Conversation is extremely discouraged.
I’m here to pee, not make friends.
Besides the occasionally called for, “Excuse me,” conversation of any sort is generally frowned upon. Your attention should be on hitting the bowl, not telling me about your day. Plus, it’s just creepy when the old guy next to you chats away while holding his dick. Time in the bathroom should either be spent getting into the zen-like state required to create a proper golden arc, or trying to leave the scene as quickly as possible without touching anything.
Rule Number 2: Avoid eye contact at all costs.
Keep your eyes to yourself.
There’s nothing odder than catching the eye of the dude next to you as you both take a leak. Invariably, both men quickly look away and burn with shame. While relieving yourself, your gaze should preferably be kept on the wall directly in front of you, or down to assure proper aim.
Circular troughs present a unique challenge to the eye contact rule, as not only do you have to worry about not looking at the gentlemen in your peripherals, you must also take care to not observe the satisfied smiles of the relieved guys in front of you. Some guys seem to want you to look at them, but this is most likely a trap. Regardless of how far away they stand from the urinal, angling their stream high in the air to even hit the porcelain, if they catch you looking, you will be the recipient of a dirty glare, if not a muttered exhortation.
Rule Number 3: Keep as much distance between yourself and others as possible.
Don’t touch me!
It’s not easy for a guy to go in public. Every bathroom requires a split-second analysis of the situation and location of other patrons. Even choosing which urinal to use requires some strategy. An ideal urinal selection would leave at least one empty slot between you and other pee-ers. A spot with a wall beside you is prime real estate, as it eliminates half of the risk of anyone sidling up to pee next to you. We can’t always count on the blessing of the urinal divider to keep us a safe distance apart. It’s difficult to describe the disappointment a guy feels when he first enters a crowded bathroom and realizes that there are no dividers to shield him from both the eyes and spatter of the man next to him. A crowded trough makes avoiding physical contact nearly impossible, and should be avoided at all costs. It’s just generally best to keep to yourself, lest any inadvertent foot-tapping due to a “wide stance” lead to a grave misunderstanding. Just ask Larry Craig.
Rule Number 4: Do not engage in non-eliminatory activities.1
Are you seriously brushing your teeth?
There’s something intrinsically revolting about entering a crowded, smelly bathroom and seeing someone brushing their teeth. Shit particles, dude! Efficiency is ke y to a successful public bathroom experience, and having to navigate around the guy changing his clothes or the weirdo washing his armpits at the sink just makes it more difficult on all of us.
1The Airport Exception exists for this rule
Rule Number 5: Engage in proper sanitary measures.
Just wash your hands, motherf*ckers!
Think about this one for a moment. Do you really want to walk around the rest of the day with DICK on your hands? What’s wrong with you? Don’t fall prey to the temptation to avoid the post-piss handwash, regardless of your frenetic lifestyle! Think of those extra thirty seconds as a public service, which also makes you more pleasant to be around.
This was just a brief glimpse into the convoluted and intricate world of the Men’s Room. Perhaps now you will have a little more empathy for the men in your lives when we insist on waiting until we get home.
I’ll leave you with this last bit of wisdom: The urinal cake is not your friend.
What’s worse is when the guy next to you at the urinal farts. I don’t know if I should scream at him, vomit or start completely laughing.
A bit more about “just wash your hands.” We all enter and exit out the same door. So if the guy in front of me takes a whiz but doesn’t wash his hands, he then grips the door handle with the hand that was just gripping his johnson–the same handle I must then use. Hence the rule–just do it.
I love this column as it opened my eyes to things I didn’t even know I wanted to know. But my favorite part is the writer’s bio!
I always ALWAYS wait for a stall whenever possible!!
You should add in the added hazard of the piss puddle that always seems to amass underneath the urinal. I’m always amazed at the lack of aim some men seem to posses.
I really hope I’m not re-incarnated as a man….
The mere thought of toilet troughs makes me shudder … NEVER EVER do I EVER want to be in a men’s bathroom. The few times I’ve been in there, it’s been VERY gross.