After cha-cha’ing his way into America’s hearts on Dancing With the Stars, ladies all over the globe will be clamoring to hook up with the heir apparent to the Cher-Sonny Bono dynasty! Even with all that play, he’ll still have to navigate the treacherous emotional waters that await him post-breakup.
However, the right women can guide him through the stages of dealing with a broken heart and deliver him into the arms of the chick of his dreams!
Stage 1 – Rebound: Quick, meaningless, bed-busting banging.
Lindsay Lohan
Guys, girls, it don’t matter, Lindsay’s down! The end of most relationships is a cold, lonely and sexless time, so who better than LiLo to chase away the spectre of Chaz’s old flame with loads of insane boinking?! After she’s done with him, he’ll be more than ready to look past his blueballs, and see all the potential new partners out there.
Stage 2 – Exploration: See what’s out there. Freaky shit.
Nicki Minaj
A couple of things we know about Nicki Minaj: a.) she has a “wide range of interests”; and b.) she’s got a special Super Bass down below for shy guys who wear ties. She’s Nicki Minaj, she macks dudes up. And, yes, you’ll get slapped if you’re lookin’, ho. She can open up a whole world of sexploration for Chaz, from crazy roleplaying, complete with crazy duds of all varieties, to creative forms of Dirty Talk (ie rhyming “Asthma” with “Plasma.”).
Chyna
The former pro wrestler turned porn star has been around the block more than a few times, and can give Chaz great tips on how to define his pecs, as well as bring home plenty of giganto-breasted porn starlets to orgy! When not screwing, they can practice greco-roman holds and go to farmer’s markets.
Stage 3 – Playing House: Hmm, this might be for real! Let’s see if we don’t kill each other.
Helen Mirren
Maybe the cougar route is the way for Chaz to go? Dame Helen brings class to the table, as well as some damn fine acting technique! Plus, she has a hot British accent, and, let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to bang Helen Mirren?
Annette Bening
Annette’s feminine wiles are unmatched. This is the woman who finally bagged the ultimate elusive game, the great cocksman Warren Beatty! Yeah, she’s married, but can Warren really complain? …He owes her a few. At least.
Stage 4 – Revelation: I’ve put in the leg-work, now it’s time to settle down.
Naya Rivera
He just “came out” as a dancer. She just “came out” on Glee. In conclusion, the two would bond over sweet dance grooves and The Jiggy, as well as coming into their sexy own. Should he guest-star on Glee as Mr. Schue’s badass brother, and duet with the show’s BAMFest character in an epic song-and-dance (“I’ve Got You, Babe”), the two would be TV’s next power couple.
Kate Winslet
Having just gotten out of a long-term relationship herself, the two would be able to bond over love woes. Moreover, given Chaz’s history with Mommy Issues, the mother of two would be able to bring peace to the Gent-In-Question by putting her maternal instincts on full display. Much cuddling, sharing of feelings, and posing for aww-worthy family photos that fly all over the internet. Love.
Love it!