While Kristen Wiig has officially left the cast of Saturday Night Live, to fill the growing void in our lives, I imagined what it would be like if Kristen Wiig’s best SNL characters had their own shows!
Dooneese stole our hearts with her helicopter windshield forehead and tiny baby hands creepily exploring the bodies of handsome serenading bachelors. These peculiar looks and her rugged charm are what sparked the ABC reality dating show, Dating Dooneese, in which single men take Dooneese out on dates and try to win her over with their patience and timid acceptance. Perhaps a romantic evening licking squirrels, losing panties, and eating onions from the freezer? “Is that bad?” Of course not! Now, do you accept this rose… I mean… baby fist… from Dooneese? Good, open wide!
This mushroom-haired sweetheart obviously knew the marketplace far too well for most customers’ liking, but when she services patrons who actually want to absorb that egg voice full of kooky, fiscal information, you get the PBS favorite, Target Antiques Roadshow. Target Lady analyzes some of the most exotic Target antiques and gets all giddy while preparing to tell you the shocking value — that is until another antique catches her eye and you’re left wondering the value AND Target Lady’s whereabouts… DOUBLE suspense. When Target Lady finally reveals an item’s worth, buyers flock to complete the transaction with a credit card… APPROVED!
Penelope LOVES talking about and butting into people’s business, so naturally, becoming a talk show host was the best route for her. The Daytime Emmy nominated show, Become a Better You – Penelope IS You and She’s Even Better, teaches people how to one-up the negatives that surround them in order to lead happier lives. If the grass is greener on the other side, you better dye your side of that grass chartreuse, feed it Viagra, and climb those monstrous blades of grass into a unicorn celebration in the clouds. Oh, and eat your heart out, Oprah. Penelope surprises her audience with cars, too… cars that are made out of other cars… that transform into talking cat robots.
“Knock, knock, who’s that? It’s Gilly!” — the undercover assassin. HBO’s hit series Gilly: The Silly Assassin has viewers on the edge of their seats waiting to see the ruckus she causes in order to take down her next villain. Will Gilly finally reveal the secrets behind her murderous skills? Chances are no. Audience’s favorite kill scenes include “the science fair shoot ‘em up,” “the homeroom hacking,” and the inexplicable “devious detention drownings.” “Was it you, Gilly?” A-huh — but this time, she’s NOT sorry.
We watched Judy, time after time, test her skills as the Weekend Update travel guru, but unfortunately her overwhelming anxiety and inability to tell a fib always got the best of her. Her new job as a replacement judge on America’s Got Talent has viewers shocked at Judy’s brutal honesty and leaves contestants puzzled as to whether or not they are advancing to the next round. “Your voice is great! Just kidding, it’s mediocre. Just kidding, you’re moving on! Just Kidding, you’re only standing there… just kidding.”