From making an appearance on Parks and Recreation to hinting that he might run for president in 2016, Vice President Joe Biden couldn’t be more on the short list for future presidential candidates.
Here’s what we think his cabinet would look like if he were ever elected President:
Vice President: A beer cozy
When The Supreme Court tells President Biden that appointing a beer cozy as a VP is not only illegal but makes absolutely no sense, President Biden would respond by saying:
“F@%$ if I’m gonna listen to seven men in dresses, America Ferrera, and the rotting corpse of Ruth Bader Ginsberg.”
First Order of Business: Keep the U.S. cool while, at the same time, make it easy for President Biden to keep a good grip on the country’s moist and slippery exterior.
Secretary of Defense: RoboCop
The country would be baffled by this random Secretary of Defense pick, but President Biden would convince the American people that it was a smart decision:
“Think about it, folks,” he would say. “RoboCop won’t just keep this country safe from terrorists, but he’d NEVER be involved in a sex scandal. Ever. I mean, I’ve seen RoboCop’s penis and it’s LITERALY just a flash drive. For god sakes, that thing’s f@%$ing tiny. No autobiographer in the country would ever bang him. Not one.”
First Order of Business: Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, and shield everyone one in America from President Biden’s F-Bombs.
Secretary of Justice: A sassy, female, African-American judge from President Biden’s favorite show Boston Legal
President Biden’s Secretary of Justice would help win landmark cases for the country by saying things like: “Oh, hellll no, not in my courtroom,” “Honey, you are out of order,” and “Objection sustained because the defense is acting craaaaaa-zy.”
First Order of Business: Roll her eyes, purse her lips, shake her head and say something like: “This better be good” or “Stop wasting my time.”
Secretary of Homeland Security: “These guns”
When asked by Congress who he would appoint to become the Secretary of Homeland Security, President Biden would simply point to his scraggily old man arms and say:
“These guns.”
First Order of Business: Oil and flex.
Secretary of Housing: The Monopoly Guy
The Secretary of Housing would go to work fixing the housing crisis by giving everyone in the U.S. fake money. Then, for hours and hours he’d have them play a high stakes game to see which person can control all of the wealth in America.
The initiative would fail terribly, however, after one frustrated American would become so bored with the game that he’d flip the entire country over and then run away screaming:
“This country is so stupid!”
First Order of Business: Send a card to all the families whose homes were affected by Hurricane Sandy that reads: “So sorry to hear that you could not pass Go and collect $200 dollars. Enclosed is a ‘Get Out of Jail Free Card’ courtesy of your President, Crazy Grandpa Joe.”
