Job Creation Tips for Obama

Yo, guys! Who else here’s barely left the house ‘cuz they’ve been too busy watching Fox News “sadness porn” and drinking the remaining contents of their election night booze stash? Oh, just me? Cool.

Anyway, the Election has come and gone, but we’re still talking about the same damn thing: Jobs. And how O-Bams is gunna create ’em. So many jobs that jobs are going to hafta send US resumes so we can decide if they’re the best job for the job. Now some people say, “Presidents don’t create jobs; economies create jobs,” to which I say, “I know you are, but what am I?!”

That being said, the jobs being proposed really don’t sound like jobs I actually want. More manufacturing jobs? Meh. Wind and Solar Energy jobs? DO I GET TO RIDE ON A WINDMILL? No? Then nevermind. So – Barry – what about creating some job opportunities that I’d actually be good at! Here’re a few solid examples:

More Ice Cream Tasters

ice cream taster

I know Ben and Jerry’s have them but what about Haagen Daz? Blue Bunny? Carvel? How the hell are we supposed to make sure the chocolate chip to caramel swirl ratio is accurate without public fucking servants (like me) to help?!

Bug Picker-Upper

ladybug1204

As a 3-year-old, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, this was my response. DO NOT CONFUSE A BUG PICKER-UPPER WITH PEST CONTROL. The bug picker-upper DOES NOT KILL THE BUG, but merely removes it from your home and lovingly releases it back into the wild.

Person Who Names Nail Polish

nailpolish1204

Red-Hot-for Teacher, Orange-You-Glad-You-He-Left-His-Wife, Murder-Him-Maroon. Money now, please!

Woman Who Takes Care of Teddy the Porcupine

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I don’t know if you’ve seen this video, but I’m pretty sure this lady’s job description is just getting drunk with Teddy and telling each other their innermost secrets. More specifically, her just telling Teddy secrets while he noms on corn and doesn’t give a shit about her stupid white lady problems. WERK.

Professional Drag Queen

rupaul rupaul's drag race

For reals, people get paid to cover themselves in beauty products, dress themselves like a 6’5″ Shakira, and lip-synch to “My Heart Will Go On.” Like they wake up in the morning, make them selves a cup of coffee, and then DO THIS. Everyday. As a career. I WANT TO GO TO THERE!

In closing, Barack, I voted for you. I filled out my little absentee ballot and sent it away to Florida where it is probably still being counted. POINT IS, hook a girl up with some real employment opportunities. I don’t think I’m gunna be of much use building engines in a Chrysler factory. But I would make fierce drag queen. WERK!


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About the author

Ariana Seigel is a NY-based performer and comedy writer.  She’s one half of the hilarious duo ariANDemma, a co-founder of sketch group People’s Sketch Association and a musical improviser.


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