J.K. Rowling’s recent announcement of her new adult novel, as well as three Harry Potter-related books, has reminded me that we’ve overlooked a very viable candidate for our future U.S. President. Sure, Rowling is English, but all she would have to do is use some of her witchcraft and wizardry to “apparate” a long-form U.S. birth certificate before the election. Then, when she finally won the election, Rowling could use her magic to bring all her fictional characters to life.
Naturally, of course, she would proceed to appoint each of her characters as a member of her Presidential Cabinet—which I bet would look something like this:
Vice President: Ron Weasley
Just like our current Vice President, Joe Biden, Ron Weasley (Harry Potter’s best friend) would be a wacky, fun-loving presence that exists mostly for the country’s comic relief. Ron would do crazy things like tell people to avoid riding on airplanes because man-eating spiders could get them, or drop a wizard cuss-word when congratulating President Rowling on securing universal health care for Muggles.
We’d all just laugh and smile at VP Ron’s crazy antics, while secretly we’d pray to God that nothing lethal would happen to Rowling to make Ron our president.
First Order of Business: Watch over the distribution of funds for “The Muggle Recovery and Reinvestment Act” — making sure that a portion of that money goes to rebuild Hogwarts after book seven.
White House Chief of Staff: Severus Snape
When Snape takes on the White House for President Rowling, he’d be both so poisonous and so effective that he’d give former White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, a run for his money.
Snape would do more than flip people off and rant about how stupid Republicans are; he’d make his opponents slap their own faces with a flick of his wand. Every once in awhile, he’d do something outrageous to sabotage J.K.’s administration, like calling Democrats who don’t support the President’s policies “F—ing Mudbloods!”
This behavior would cause people to suspect Snape was on nobody’s side but his own, and so his term as Chief of Staff would end with him leaving the White House to run for mayor of Chicago — a well-known hot-bed for “The Dark Arts.”
First Order of Business: Turning the President’s Daily Brief into a “Howler” (a magical letter that projects an audible, screaming message to the recipient that then self-destructs).
Secretary of Education: Hermione Granger
Hermione, Harry Potter’s book-loving gal pal, would slip several magical potions into the drinks of the members of several boards of education all across the country, enchanting them to make smart decisions that would be beneficial to the country. Teachers would become the highest paid workers in the nation, students would be forbidden to play video games and forced to spend summer vacations catching up on their reading. Finally, universities would become free to attend and would accept everyone who applied.
Unfortunately, due to the side-effects from all the heavy magic involved in creating this grand reformation, there would be one, big drawback:
We’d all end up having bad perms.
First Order of Business: Run around giving her socks to school janitors while shouting at them: “You’re not slaves tied to a master anymore! You’re free! You’re free!”
Secretary of Defense: Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore
Harry Potter, the wizard prodigy, and Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard who ever lived, would join forces to track the most prominent leaders of the world’s most evil terrorist networks. They’d form a secret taskforce and raid the compound of a known leader of a vast terrorist network. Inside the compound, Harry Potter would use an Avada Kedavra spell (a killing spell) to effectively kill that terrorist leader.
Dumbledore would then proceed to take several, long hours explaining exactly how and why Harry Potter was able to kill the terror leader with his wand, and yet many around them would still be confused for years afterward as to how it all happened.
Afterwards, President Rowling would announce the death of the terror leader to the world, but then would also note that several beloved heroes also died in the raid, including Hedwig, Harry Potter’s owl.
Some Muggles would celebrate, while others would react in a more subdued manner, expressing their ambivalence toward President Rowling by crying:
“Why do you keep killing off so many innocent characters? I mean, really? The owl, too? Come oooon!”