If you don’t know me, you probably think I’m weird. If you do know me, you know I’m weird, awkward and prefer standing behind machinery, large plants and stand-up toy displays. That’s because I’m a double scoop of introvert and shy, with a generous handful of anxious sprinkles.
I’ve come up with this handy introvert translator, so you know what I and my fellow couch fort hermits mean when we (finally) talk to someone. Or not. You’re welcome.
DEALING WITH A TELEMARKETER
What I say: “Um, I’m really sorry….”
What I want to say: *click*
What I finally end up saying after 15 minutes trapped on the phone listening to the benefits of changing my phone service: “Aaaiiigghhh, Godzilla!” *drop phone and quietly hang it up*
Translation: I really could care less about your product, but now I feel obligated to listen and now I don’t know what to do.
AT A WORK RECEPTION WHEN SOMEONE NOTICES I’M STANDING BEHIND A PLANT
What I say: “Just staying out of the way.”
What I want to say: “Actually, I’m an amateur plant therapist, and this plant is suffering from a severe case of nervosa exhaustion. I’m here to listen and to support it as a frond.”
Translation: Good grief, you people drive me up the wall during the day and now I have to put up with you in the evening, too? I prefer the fern.
SEEING SOMEONE I KNOW AT THE GROCERY STORE AND NOT SAYING ‘HI’
What I say: “Oh, hello! I didn’t see you.”
What I want to say: “Yes, of course I saw you. How could I miss you in that outfit?”
Translation: Just thinking about talking to you mentally exhausted me and that doesn’t even include the possibility of me saying “Hello” first and you not recognizing me. So I ducked into the frozen peas to avoid you.
BEING DRAGGED TO A CONCERT
What I say: “Whoa, there’s a lot of people here.”
What I want to say: “You know, I bet they have the sound piped into the bathrooms. Let’s spend the next two hours in a stall.”
Translation: Everyone is far too close to me. I’m going to be stomped to death in a mosh pit or mugged by a rogue Michael Bolton fan, I just know it.
TEXT FROM A FRIEND
What I do: Read it, then ignore it for a couple of hours
What I do after that: Go back and read it again
What I say: “Well, I don’t really agree with…” Nope. *backspace backspace backspace*
What I say on the second try: “How about this…” Nope. *backspace backspace backspace*
What I finally say: “Hey. :-)”
Translation: This reply has been heavily sanitized for your protection. OK, for my protection, because I strongly suspect I sound like an idiot and I don’t want to piss you off. Would more emoticons help?
