Thought Experiment #1: Subtract-A-Cat
Ernst Stavro Blofeld
Blofeld, the quintessential Bond villain, is rarely seen without his Persian cat. Clearly, the white fluff ball is a sort of a furry megalomaniacal muse. Blofeld-sans-kitty would likely be a happy-go-lucky fellow and his SPECTRE organization would specialize in jellybeans instead of crime.
What if Gargamel never took in Azrael, his mangy feline sidekick? Gargamel would have eradicated the Smurfs decades ago. The rivers would have run blue with Smurf blood. Azrael keeps Gargamel just sane enough not to indulge his genocidal tendencies. Without Azrael, we would suffer a dearth of Smurfs.
Brittany S. Pierce
No wonder Glee‘s Brittany believes in Santa Claus and leprechauns, her cat, Lord Tubbington, smokes cigarettes and eats fondue. Perhaps Lord Tubbington is responsible for Brittany’s charming naiveté. Such outlandish cat antics would send any pubescent cheerleader into La-La-Land. If not for Lord Tubbington, Brittany S. Pierce would be just another hormonal teen.
Oh, Inspector Gadget, you should have figured this one out. It’s so obvious. We never see Dr. Claw’s face, which can only mean one thing. MAD Cat is Dr. Claw. Maybe MAD Cat just needs a friendly scratch under the chin. Go-Go-Gadget-Scratcher!
If Hermione didn’t have Crookshanks to keep her blood pressure under control, she would surely snap and become the next Voldemort. Hey, J.K. Rowling, we have an idea for the 8th Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Granger Danger.
Thought Experiment #2: Add-A-Cat
Some well-respected Star Wars scholars suggest that Darth Vader’s agenda of doom was inspired solely by his hate of hirsute races. This animosity stems from the fact that Anakin Skywalker was never exposed to anything cute and fluffy as a kid. If you add a cat to Anakin’s childhood, he never falls to the Dark Side, never builds the Death Star, and never slays poor little Ewoks. Yep, cats save Ewokian bacon.
If Gollum had a kitty, he would have something more appropriate to call “Precious.”
Katniss makes it a point to wish her sister’s cat, Buttercup, dead at every opportunity. No wonder she’s such a killing machine. If Katniss actually cherished Buttercup, she would likely be too gentle of spirit to survive the initial death match, hence The Hunger Games trilogy would be much, much shorter.
If every Romulan was given a kitty, the United Federation of Planets would have a much easier time governing the galaxy. This goes double for Klingons.
Poor, fragile Bella needs a cat. She could learn independence from it. If Bella assumes a more self-assured attitude, she might avoid the whole vampire codependency thing.
If you think Hannibal Lecter is a scary-ass dude without a cat, he’d be ten times more terrifying when paired with a fiendish kitty. They would share liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti…