If You Give a Romulan a Kitty

Comediva’s crack team of psychologists, veterinarians, and pet psychics have put their minds together to create some hypothetical scenarios explaining the influence of pet kitties on some of fiction’s best known characters.

Given a character’s psychological disposition, is it possible that the addition of a fuzzy-wuzzy pussycat could make some individuals more depraved, whereas an adorable feline might neutralize the evil in others?

Thought Experiment #1:  Subtract-A-Cat

Ernst Stavro Blofeld

Blofeld, the quintessential Bond villain, is rarely seen without his Persian cat.  Clearly, the white fluff ball is a sort of a furry megalomaniacal muse.  Blofeld-sans-kitty would likely be a happy-go-lucky fellow and his SPECTRE organization would specialize in jellybeans instead of crime.


What if Gargamel never took in Azrael, his mangy feline sidekick?  Gargamel would have eradicated the Smurfs decades ago.  The rivers would have run blue with Smurf blood.  Azrael keeps Gargamel just sane enough not to indulge his genocidal tendencies.  Without Azrael, we would suffer a dearth of Smurfs.

Brittany S. Pierce

No wonder Glee‘s Brittany believes in Santa Claus and leprechauns, her cat, Lord Tubbington, smokes cigarettes and eats fondue.  Perhaps Lord Tubbington is responsible for Brittany’s charming naivet√©.  Such outlandish cat antics would send any pubescent cheerleader into La-La-Land.  If not for Lord Tubbington, Brittany S. Pierce would be just another hormonal teen.

Dr. Claw

Oh, Inspector Gadget, you should have figured this one out.  It’s so obvious.  We never see Dr. Claw’s face, which can only mean one thing.  MAD Cat is Dr. Claw.  Maybe MAD Cat just needs a friendly scratch under the chin.  Go-Go-Gadget-Scratcher!

Hermione Granger

If Hermione didn’t have Crookshanks to keep her blood pressure under control, she would surely snap and become the next Voldemort.  Hey, J.K. Rowling, we have an idea for the 8th Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Granger Danger.

Thought Experiment #2:  Add-A-Cat

Anakin Skywalker

Some well-respected Star Wars scholars suggest that Darth Vader’s agenda of doom was inspired solely by his hate of hirsute races.  This animosity stems from the fact that Anakin Skywalker was never exposed to anything cute and fluffy as a kid.  If you add a cat to Anakin’s childhood, he never falls to the Dark Side, never builds the Death Star, and never slays poor little Ewoks.  Yep, cats save Ewokian bacon.


If Gollum had a kitty, he would have something more appropriate to call “Precious.”

Katniss Everdeen

Katniss makes it a point to wish her sister’s cat, Buttercup, dead at every opportunity.  No wonder she’s such a killing machine.  If Katniss actually cherished Buttercup, she would likely be too gentle of spirit to survive the initial death match, hence The Hunger Games trilogy would be much, much shorter.

The Romulans

If every Romulan was given a kitty, the United Federation of Planets would have a much easier time governing the galaxy.  This goes double for Klingons.


Do you eat it?

Bella Swan

Poor, fragile Bella needs a cat.  She could learn independence from it.  If Bella assumes a more self-assured attitude, she might avoid the whole vampire codependency thing.

Hannibal Lecter

If you think Hannibal Lecter is a scary-ass dude without a cat, he’d be ten times more terrifying when paired with a fiendish kitty.  They would share liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti…


Share This

About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world’s foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries.

Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

View all articles by Kristen Bobst

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *