How to Use Your Purse During Any Apocalyptic Situation

Everyone these days has a zombie apocalpypse plan. But, frankly, zombies are kinda old news, and what if the real apocalypse is much, much more unconventional and unexpected?! Worry not, just use the contents of your handy purse for extreme end-of-days survival! 

Unconventional Apocalyptic Situation ONE: Hive-Minded Kitten Minions

At is turns out, the world’s kittens are actually hive-minded fluffy minions who report to an oversized, overfed feline warlord named Callimaco the Calico. For years, they’ve been posing as aloof, yet loyal and loveable, pets while covertly
gathering intel on the human race! Callimaco has decided that now is the time for his grimalkin army to strike! Earth will belong to kittenkind unless you, a resourceful girl, can think of a way to defeat the adorable scourge.

What to do?  Simple!  You riffle through the contents of your purse and produce your Vidal Sassoon limited edition hairbrush.  As each enchantingly evil kitty begins its assault on you, you tranquilize it with a gentle stroke of your brush.  Kittens f*ckig love to be brushed.  Defeated, Callimaco will return to his mothership and slink off to another unfortunate planet.  Earth saved!

Unconventional Apocalyptic Situation TWO: Ravenous Extraterrestrials

Good job, Curiosity Rover, you pissed off the locals.  Hungry, hungry Martians have been awakened 1,799,456 years into their 3-million-year hibernation period thanks to NASA’s bumbling brainchild.   Guess what?  The Martians woke up peckish.  Guess what’s on the menu?  Earthling Flambé. 

What to do?  When you see a UFO coming in for a flythrough at any one of Spring Break’s favorite beaches, use your compact mirror to reflect sunlight back into the windshield — thereby blinding the pilot and encouraging all onboard to reconsider the salad bar at a more congenial planet.  Alternatively, if a Martian does make it to Earth, use your makeup to camouflage yourself as one of them.  Martians aren’t cannibals after all. 

Unconventional Apocalyptic Situation THREE: The Robo-Hamster Threat

You thought you were done defending the world from cute things when you sent the otherworldly cat leader to the depths of space?  Wrong.  Ever stared deeply into a hamster’s dark black eyes?  Ever wonder what made it tick? Complicated robotics, that’s what!  Robo-hamsters are about to take down the world’s technology by short-circuiting the World Wide Web with electromagnetic charges emanating from their highly-polarized hamster droppings.

What to do?  Simple!  There’s an app for that!  That’s right.  Beat the little suckers down with your smartphone.  If that doesn’t work, try spritzing them with perfume.  Zap, pop, sizzle:  You just neutralized the threat with good ol’ fashion electroshock therapy.  Nice work. 

Unconventional Apocalyptic Situation FOUR: The Inevitable Vampire/Werewolf Turf War

If life imitates art, and Twilight, Underworld, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, et cetera, are any indication, then we are in for a serious vampire/werewolf all-out turf war.  And soon.

What to do?  This one’s easy.  Stake the vamp with a pencil and use your silver keychain to defeat the wolfie.  Duh.  Kinda a no-brainer.  If you get wounded in battle, tampons and maxipads are awesome for first aid. 

Unconventional Apocalyptic Situation FIVE: Dragon Attack!

You’ve been sleeping soundly every night thinking dragons aren’t real?  Wrong; they’re just extinct or they only exist in George R.R. Martin-times!  A freak rift in space just sent forth a nasty dragon menace from the medieval days of yore.  To make matters worse, there’s no sexy knight in shining armor around to rescue you.  However, you’re the kind of girl that don’t need no sexy knight.

What to do?  Dragons breathe fire, which is really just an exacerbated form of halitosis.  The cure?  A simple breath mint.  You toss a couple Breathsavers straight down the dragon’s gullet.  The formerly murderous creature instantly morphs into an awesome new pet/sweet new means of transportation.  And what’s this?  A sexy knight in shining armor DID sneak through the rift?!  Waste no time, girl. You just saved the world.  Enjoy your reward!


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