It’s clear that America is dying for Justin to make a comeback.
So, here are some ideas on how we can trick Justin into coming back to music:
1. Have Britney Spears break up with him again.
Justin and Britney’s break up brought us some of Justin’s best hits like “Cry Me A River” and “What Goes Around Comes Around,” so another broken heart could bring us more music gold. (Thank you, Reality TV, for making the practice of forcing people into extreme emotional distress just for our own entertainment totally ethical!)
2. Have him read a screenplay that is secretly the lyrics to a new pop song.
Then, as an “acting exercise,” we’ll ask him to sing that screenplay into a microphone. Then, we’ll record the audio and distribute it to the masses.
If Justin asks any questions, we’ll tell him we’re using the recording for the film. If he asks what the film’s about, we’ll just tell him it’s about a “señorita” who deals with things that she “doesn’t have to.”
3. Make him listen to songs by Nicki Minaj.
Clearly, Justin hasn’t been hearing the barrage of terrible Nicki Minaj songs that have been playing on the radio lately — or else he’d be running to the nearest recording studio to save pop music from total armaggeddon.
4. Use the laws of physics.
According to the law of physics, a FutureSex/LoveSounds album would have to be preceded by a PastSex/LoveSounds album, otherwise it would risk tearing the fabric of the space-time continuum. Ergo: Justin must create a new album called PastSex/LoveSounds in order to ensure FutureSex/LoveSounds doesn’t “fade away” from all of our old family photos.
5. Stop having sex.
If we all stop having sex, Justin’s “swagger sense” will be triggered, and he will have no choice but to bring sexy back for the good of the nation!