So you want to throw the ultimate Orange is the New Black party, without getting arrested? Well, too bad! The first step to throwing an authentic Litchfield-inspired party is going to prison. OK, OK, so maybe getting arrested in time for the big shindig is unrealistic and inadvisable. Here are a few tips for how to throw the ultimate OITNB party, safe in your own home sweet home!
The good news is that the bar has been set low for you. No one expects you to do anything with your life now that you’re in prison, so any and all effort will be much appreciated!
Now if you really want to go above and beyond, hit up the party store and buy a cornucopia of decorations from every holiday. Then, load up on craft supplies and use your guests for free labor. Make them cut out the construction paper hearts and hang the shamrock chandeliers. You know how they roll at Litchfield. Why pay for anything you can get the
prisoners guests to do for free?
And don’t forget the chili piñata with no candy in it.
The number one rule of noms for an OITNB party is: Don’t embarrass Red.
Don’t dishonor her with a bag of freezer-burned appetizers and a jar of soppy, processed dip. The real holy grail, natch, is to catch a live chicken. Just make sure it’s the smartest one you can find.
Since slaughtering, plucking, skinning, and cooking the chicken can be time-consuming, save time by putting out a bowl of ramen seasoning packets so that your guests can flavor their own meal.
And if you don’t have time to catch a live chicken and slaughter it in front of your party guests, keep in mind that everybody loves tacos.
Don’t forget to honor Poussey with your very own brew of bathtub gin! Look, it’s slim pickings when it comes to getting your buzz on at Litchfield, and everyone will totes get it if your moonshine
accidentally poisons them tastes like nail polish remover.
(P.S. If you actually do this, maybe you do stand a chance of getting arrested after all.)
4) Drinking Game
Drink every time Piper whines about her first world problems.
Drink every time Taystee and Poussey’s womance makes you smile.
Drink every time Nicky or Big Boo gets laid.
Drink every time Morello is delusional.
Drink every time Daya gets unsolicited advice about her pregnancy.
Drink every time Crazy Eyes waxes poetic.
When it comes to attire, you basically have two color options: orange or tan.
Bonus points for getting your hands on an actual prison jumpsuit. Bonus BONUS points for a sexy made-up story about how you seduced that cute prison guard with a heart of gold to get your hands on said jumpsuit.
If you wanna get crafty, you can also set up a face-painting station and have everyone do their very best version of the Big Boo Sad Clown.
6) Try Out Some Sweet Pick-up Lines
If you haven’t noticed that OITNB is all about hooking up, then you must be watching with your crazy-eyes instead of your sane-eyes. There’s no greater activity at an Orange is the New Black party than putting the moves on a hottie in a sexy jumpsuit.
7) Who’s the Morello?
Party Game! In this modified version of “Two Truths and a Lie,” have each party guest write out three far-fetched life stories: two true, one a lie. Players try to sniff out the lies, and then once the truths have been revealed, vote on who you think the best Morello is.
The Morello who sells her story best wins the prize of a bridal veil and some alone time in the bathtub! (Just make sure you’ve bottled that hooch before Morello takes a bath.)
8) Panty Party!
Craft time! Buy a pack of plain white cotton panties, and put out an array of decorations, like glitter and googly eyes, and let each gal decorate her own custom pair of prison-issue panties.
If you wanna venture into the nether regions of this party’s potential, put out a variety of odorous substances and have each prisoner concoct her own “panty brew” to finish off the craft! It’s disgusting and fun!
9) Strip Search!
Party Game! This is definitely one of those “later in the night” kind of party games. Once everyone’s good and sloshed, give each of your guests a small baggie of
drugs M&Ms and have them hide it in their favorite body cavity. Then, play strip poker. Each time someone loses, the remaining players strip-search them and add their baggie to the pot. Winner takes all.
10) Dance Like Everybody’s Watching
And finally, top off your killer OITNB themed party with a mega dance circle. You’re not a real Litchfield prisoner until you display an utter lack of shame and let the beat take you over.
By now, you’re armed and dangerous with all the knowledge about how to throw a lawbreaking OITNB party.
So do it, or Maritza will cut you.