They say that sex is only a big deal if you’re not having it. Well, sex is an even bigger deal if you’re not allowed to have it. Tell me I’m not allowed to have something and then it’s all I want to do before getting on a bullhorn and screaming “fuck the police!” This is why I fail on diets. Tell me I can’t have cake and the first thing I want is a nice, ten layer slice. Drool. Well, same with sex. And yes, I just compared men to food. Both give my mouth something to do. Deal with it.
So two weeks with no touching, kissing or anything and I am like a thirsty traveler crossing the Mojave desert – mirages of beautiful men appear in my bed and on the street like an oasis of pleasure. But sometimes a girl has to say no.
So, if you also find yourself in a competitive sex-related bet, here are some tips to keep your legs closed and your eye on the prize.
1. Look as ugly as possible.
This totally works for two reasons. First of all, no one will come near you and tempt you with their sexy man charms. And secondly, what girl feels sexy when they look like crap? I need a lace thong and three days of dieting to feel bedroom ready. I literally have to look like I would bang me. So just stop being so damn sexy already!
2. Keep your hands busy.
And no, I don’t mean in your own pants. I mean find something that requires a lot of hands-on work. The busier your hands are the less likely they are to wander into your cell phone or some random guy’s drawers. Start doing jigsaw puzzles, crocheting, basket weaving, playing a guitar. You know, totally normal every day stuff.
3. Avoid the gym.
What the hell do you need to look at a bunch of juiced up throbbing male specimens for? Torture? Exercise will help you sleep and get all that horny energy out, but only if you keep that testosterone in check. So instead, just go for a long run in the park and if you see a muscle tee, look away.
4. Drink a lot of alcohol. Alone.
Do I really need to explain this one?
5. Stop shaving.
Are you really going to let someone in your pants if they need a weed wacker to find their way around? No. Grow a chastity jungle and while you’re at it, keep those legs furry too.
6. Delete that guy’s number from your phone.
You know the one. You drunk sext him when you’re lonely, horny, or have no one else to take home. He means nothing to you, but he’s always there, knocking at your bedroom door. He is bad news right now, and presumably too good in bed if you’ve kept him around this long. So delete him, or at least edit his contact name from “Booty Call” to something weird like “Butt Sex Only” and take his sexy level down a few notches.
7. Take up nail art.
Why? It takes a lot of patience and concentration. You’ll gain lots of followers on Pinterest and Instagram. And when your nails are wet you can’t even pick your nose properly, so there is no chance of doing anything naughty.
8. Spend time with kids.
This will help you remember your innocence and the sheer joy of being alive. It will also remind you that this is what sex leads to: children. Can you think of a better turn off?
9. Eat a lot. Especially chocolate.
It will boost your seratonin and increase feelings of euphoria and bliss sans getting naked. Science doesn’t lie. And remember: the tighter those lace thongs get on your ass, the less you want to crawl in bed with a hot guy. Win win.
10. Avoid all penis-shaped foods.
Look, I love bananas and hot dogs as much as the next girl, but sometimes it just helps not to be reminded.
Hannah Has a Ho-Phase
Written by Jamie Jensen (who also wrote this article), produced by Nadia Munla, and co-directed by the two of them–Hannah Has a Ho-Phase is a hilarious sex romp that features some amazing female talent on the screen and behind the scenes! Are you having a Ho-Phase or a No-Phase? Watch Hannah Has a Ho-Phase available on iTunes here!
