1. Give up any conventional perceptions of time.
While I was a cast member on Lost, I was able to forgo silly notions of time, and hence age. Who knows, maybe in another consciousness, Courtney is 85 and I’m 21, which would be gross. I might have just puked in my mouth a little.
2. Be famous.
Do you think her parents would have been so chill about this marriage thing if I worked at the corner AMPM selling slushies and beef jerky? No way! I’d be super creepy. But when you’re a celebrity, it’s cool to marry whoever you want. I mean, check out Woody Allen.
3. Do crunches.
The older you get, the more crunches you have to do. But the more crunches you do, the younger you can marry.
4. Charm the dad.
Let’s be honest, he’s probably the reason she’s into you in the first place and is racked with guilt. So get to know the guy. Take him fishing, cheer for his fave football team, share a plate of chili fries, and talk about the good old days. He’ll forget all about the fact that you’re actually three years his senior.
5. When all else fails, move to Yemen.
They’ll love you there.