Are you bummed that you never received that coveted letter inviting you to study at Hogwarts? Do you still watch the skies for owls bearing good news? Are you sure you’re no Squib? Have your dreams of mastering spells, playing Quidditch, riding a Hippogriff, and blaming things on Nargles been crushed? Fret no more! We have exciting news, wizarding school rejects: There is more than one way to skin a half-Kneazle cat. Read on to learn how to get into Hogwarts!
We’ve compiled a list of the most creative – if somewhat questionable and morally reprehensible – ways to get into Hogwarts.
Seduction
Sex is power. You know how loves power? Snape. You know who loves sex? Snape! Seducing Severus is a bit of a chore, however, as the Slytherin guru only gets off on role-playing. In order to rock Snape’s world, you must dress up and act as Lily Potter. Everything will go swimmingly unless you accidentally mention Harry Potter. Reminding Snape of the Boy Who Lived will result in one flaccid wand and an extra sexually frustrated potions master.
Blackmail
Threaten to expose nudie photos of Dumbledore from his gay porn days. Yes, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was once a hot commodity as far as magical adult film auteurs were concerned. Of course, to protect his identity, Dumbledore went by “Wolf Dumbledong” during those pantsless few years. Some say that he even defined the gay wizard porn genre; he was just that good. You can find some of Wolf Dumbledong’s finer work on the XXX site EngorgioTube.com.
Theft
Let’s face it: Hagrid is pretty easy to manipulate. But that doesn’t mean you have time to mess around. If you want to be enrolled at Hogwarts in time for the Yule Ball, you should go ahead and dognap Fang. Only return him after Hagrid pulls some strings for you. Of course, in order to keep the oversized mongrel happy, you’ll have to feed him plenty of Crumple-Horned-Snorkack-flavored Snausages. Also, pack in the paper towels. Fang’s a drooler.
Bribery
Who knew stealing plants from French greenhouses could get you into Hogwarts? It can if you know what you’re doing. Bribe Professor Sprout with a rare Devil’s Snare-Gillyweed hybrid that you stole from the greenhouse at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. It’s perfect for catching those pesky mermaids. Little known fact: Pomona Sprout hates mermaids.
Exploit False Hope
If you think dating is hard, just consider how rough the ghosts trapped in Hogwarts Castle have it. However, you can use the lack of available spectral ass to your advantage. Promise the blue-balled, somewhat decapitated Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington that if he helps you get in, you’ll hook him up with the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw. He’s been eyeing that frosty biatch for hundreds of years. So what if you know nothing about playing matchmaker to a couple of ghosts…You can worry about that once you’ve decorated your awesome new Gryffindor dorm room with the Simply Shabby Chic collection from the new Target in Diagon Alley.
Exploit Rivalries
Burn down The Durmstrang Institute. Publicly take credit. Sure, you’ll always be on the run from the Scandinavian authorities, but sacrifices must be made if you want to don that scarlet and gold scarf. When your handiwork hits the news, the Hogwarts Admissions Board will be so pleased that you eliminated the main competition for the number one spot on the on the Magical News & World Report’s “Best Wizarding Schools” list that they will welcome you open arms.
There you have it, future Hogwarts alumni! Be sure to study hard and stay out of the Forbidden Forrest. Good luck passing your O.W.L.s!
