How to ‘Bruce Up’ Your Love Life

Even if as you read this you thought, “Bruce?  Isn’t he that guy from that ’80s song?”  If you follow these helpful hints you can fake yourself into a Bruce Willis expert in no time.   And win over that man!

BEFORE THE DATE

1) Look up his IMDB page.  Not only does IMDB have his filmography, but there are also literally tons of Bruce Willis facts and trivia available for repurposing.  For example:

– He appeared on a Subaru Legacy commercial in Japan between 1992 and 1994.
– His agent at CAA is Michael Kives.
– He is quoted as saying, “I am a sensitive guy.  People think they know the real me, but they don’t.  And then they write things that make me sound like such a jerk.”  

2) Wikipedia that shit.  Even if most of the writing is completely non-factual, if you deliver it with confidence, no one will question you.

3) Go to an arts boarding school with one of his kids and milk that connection for more fun and exciting Bruce Willis facts!

4) Call up Michael Kives pretending to be said kid.  Say that you want to throw a surprise party for him and ask which of his favorite restuarants you should choose.  Now you know some of Bruce’s favorite eateries.

5) Make flashcards of relevant Bruce Willis facts and trivia.  Study these every night before bed.

6) Keep at least one Die Hard (or similar) movie poster in your room.  Just knowing that he’s looking down at you while you sleep will help ingrain some of those facts.   And as a bonus, if you get that man back to your apartment, he’ll feel more at home!

7) Make yourself a “Bruce Willis Fan Club” t-shirt that you can surreptitiously don before a date, or wear it at all times in case you run into said man on the street.

8) For the real go-getters out there, tattoo an obscure quote, movie title, or image of Bruce prominently on your body. The obscurity will make you seem more intelligent and authentic. The size and placement will let this man know you are not afraid of committment.

ON THE DATE

9) Slip one or two of those handy flash cards into your purse in case a conversation stalls and in the terror of the moment you forget everything you’ve ever learned.  And I mean everything, so also make sure to include a few about how to ingest beverages or breathe.

10) If you have the chance to say a word that rhymes with Bruce, replace that word with Bruce.  Then when your conversation partner looks confused, you can slip in something like, “Oh, so sorry, I jus watched [insert IMDB title here].  Ha!  Must have Bruce Willis on the brain.  Do you like him?”

11) Make sure your date is at one of those restaurants you researched in preparation.  Preferably you’ve already created an elaborate surprise party rouse that will force Bruce himself to show up at said restaurant during your date.  That way you can really impress your man by getting both of you kicked out by one of his security guards!

I hope you have enjoyed these handy tips.   For more exciting ways to make yourself more appealing to almost no one, read my book, “The Oblivious Girl’s Guide to Obvious Things!” and make sure to follow my twitter @obliviousgirlsguide!  Next week I’ll show you how to tell if you are on a date with Michael Cera or just a quiet, awkward guy in a hoodie.