After the final Harry Potter movie left theaters, the former boy wizard resigned himself to a ho-hum life as an auror for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Sad to be off-screen and out of the soothing limelight, Potter allowed his only-half-repressed ennui to bubble to his psyche’s surface as he wandered down cold, thankless, cobbled English streets. With crumpet in hand, wand lazily tucked in his pocket amongst loose Altoids and a troubling omen in the form of a crumpled betting stub, Harry wondered if life simply was worth living anymore. Then something caught his eye as the gnawing desire for eleven a.m. Pimm’s break coincided with the come-hither look of a toothsome prostitute from Shropshire.
Harry fixed on a glistening billboard for James Bond: SkyFall. It called out to him like the Dark Mark to a Death Eater. That night, Harry dreamed about the long history of 007. How could this other British franchise show no signs of waning? It simply wasn’t fair in his vexed mind. Harry thought to himself, “The Harry Potter the phenomenon is over, but the James Bond franchise is here to stay. This Bond fellow is a genius.”
That was the day Harry Potter signed up for Her Majesty’s Secret Service as an undercover muggle.
Of course, defending the UK from non-magical villains required Mr. Potter to adapt. Sure, Harry’s stint as an auror had taught him a thing or two about taking down baddies with spells, dumb luck, steadfast friends, and boyish charm, but he would need to rethink his core weltanschauung in order to serve his country; MI6 is not exactly Hogwarts. Harry had to make some changes.
Here is how it happened:
Step 1. Tippling Tactics
Goodbye Butterbeer and Firewhiskey. Hello, Martinis and Heineken. Harry finally closed his tab at the Three Broomsticks and began sipping martinis every day at five p.m. on the dot. Shaken, and certainly not stirred with a wand.
Step 2. Fast Driving
Who ever heard of a spy on a broomstick? Harry took driving lessons, borrowed fifty thousand pounds from Hermione and bought the slickest Astin Martin he could find. He ran over Ron’s foot with it on day one.
Step 3. Making New Friends
After suckering Hermione out of her savings from the Department of Magical Law, Harry bought her lots of shiny slinky dresses, seduced Ms. Granger (with help of James Bond serving as his own English Cyrano), threw Ron into the propeller of a Learjet, and attended several art openings, all while wearing a well-tailored tux.
Step 4. Counting All the Villains
Only familiar with the notion of one recurring villain, Harry struggled with the concept that there can actually be more than one bad guy over the span of several movies. This nearly caused Harry to lose his life. Hermione, oversexed and underappreciated, continued her role in saving Harry’s life over and over again, using mainly a grappling hook, Swiss Army Knife, and the Expelliarmus spell.
Step 5. Employing All the Gadgets
Jealous of James’ Q, Harry kidnapped Ollivander and forced him into the gadgetry business. With no wand shop to keep it going, Diagon Alley became a crack den owned by Malfoy, who is slated to be the Bond Villain in the next 007 installment.