Hidden Features of Sony’s New PS Vita

Sony just released the be-all and end-all of handheld gaming devices: PlayStation Vita!  If you think you’re content with playing the mobile games on your smartphone and haven’t been motivated to shell out $300 for your very own PS Vita, we are here to tell you about some special unadvertised features that will BLOW YOUR MIND.Of course, everyone knows that the PS Vita is fitted with motion sensors, dual analog sticks, multi-touch display, and a crap-ton more boring technical features. It’s capable of “augmented reality” which sounds pretty darn nifty, if a little bit Orwellian.  But, in order to find out what makes the PS Vita a true “gamechanger,” we dissected one in our very own Comediva laboratory.

Well, it turns out that the PS Vita can do so much more than those humble folks over at Sony HQ bothered to publicize.  We discovered that the PS Vita might be the last thing you need to buy…ever.

It’s a Vibrator!

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Not only can you stream porn via ‘AT&T’s Mobile Broadband Network,’ the actual three-axis gyroscope can be converted into a personal massage device if “Pleasure Mode” is activated.  It’s even got a rear touch pad if you’re feeling extra naughty.

It Can File Taxes in 49 States! (Sorry, Tennessee)

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Yessirree, the PS Vita can file taxes.  Duh — it has an ARM Cortex A9 core chip!  It’s filing your taxes for 2019 right now, hot damn!  However, unfortunately for those of you hailing from ‘The Volunteer State,’ it also comes equipped with GPS and hates Tennessee state tax laws.

It’s Better than Aladdin!

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Uncharted: Golden Abyss for PS Vita actually contains a secret level that shows you the keys to reanimate life.  All you have to do is press “Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right” four times over and a genie appears on the screen.  Yep, PS Vita comes with a real genie and he ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

It’s in Your Head!

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You’ll notice your thoughts appearing in stunning 24-bit color on the 5-inch OLED screen.  One of the PlayStation Vita’s two cameras is also a thermal imaging brain scanner!

You’re Assimilated!

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Did we mention that the PS Vita code binds itself to your DNA via Bluetooth connectivity?  You’re a cyborg now, yay!

It’s a Religion!

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All of the PS Vita games are encoded with subliminal messages.  While you’re playing Asphalt: Injection, you’ll be thinking,  “ALL HAIL THE SONY GODS!  PRAISE BE VITA!  VIVA VITA!”  Isn’t it fun to belong…to a cult?

It’s the End of the World!

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Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.  The reality is not so nice; CERN scientists will exterminate us all by hooking the LHC up to that PS Vita device.


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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world’s foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries.

Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

View all articles by Kristen Bobst

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