Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is hands down the greatest magical-education institution in the world. Its N.E.W.T.-level students graduate with remarkable real-world skills that make them highly competitive in today’s supernatural job market. These talented witches and wizards can do everything from making pineapples tap dance to ripping their souls and hiding the pieces in various trinkets.
With skills like these, it’s hard to imagine a Hogwarts graduate would need to know anything else. However, there are a few spells we think would be beneficial to the modern magical world and we can’t fathom why McGonagall hasn’t added them to the curriculum yet.
Reddo Bluthius!
A nifty little charm that returns Arrested Development to television — complete with well-deserved stellar ratings, denim cutoffs and a little “afternoon delight.” Admit it: This would be one nifty trick illusion.
Perdo Romneya!
This spell will come in handy post-election by removing all those angry “Romney should have won” tweets and “I’m moving to Canada to avoid universal healthcare” status updates from your social media feeds. (Incantation works only 47 percent of the time.)
Abeo Nolucas!
Finally, a spell that prevents George Lucas from ever making another Stars Wars film. Add “composit” to the end of the incantation and he’ll no longer be able to use a green screen! Everybody wins!
Lamen Franchiseo!
Mourning for Mulder? Pining for Peeta? Say goodbye to crying into your pillow for weeks on end! Next time a favorite television or book series ends, use this spell to ease the pain and you’ll no longer lament your loss.
Revelio Cylon!
Think your co-worker is a Cylon? Cast this spell and find out for sure.
Consindo Foxnewsio!
Use this helpful little spell to make Fox News bursts into a million pieces and rid the world of lies and right-wing nonsense. Now what’s Bill O’Reilly going to do?
Demo Sherlocito!
Ever been unable to stop watching season one or two of BBC’s Sherlock back-to-back? This will force your finger to hit the stop button and allow you to get some actual work done.
Torqueo Creedelback!
This spell is the seldom-used fourth Unforgiveable Curse that tortures your enemies by filling their heads with the vocal “talents” of Scott Stapp and Chad Kroeger. (Sometimes even the most-noble wizards dabble in a little bit of the Dark Arts.)
Ligo Danielsum!
Daniel Radcliffe is single, so act now, single, short ladies! Use this spell to woo the boy wizard — and hope he rides up on a horse. (You know what we’re talking about.)
Acciokittenahora!
Because sometimes you just need to cuddle a kitten right now.
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Do you need something stronger than a spell? Are you tormented in Transfiguration? Are you mocked for your muggle mum? Do you long for a Time-Turner so you can always deliver a killer comeback?
If a merciless Malfoy or despicable Dursley has ever called you a talentless squib or a filthy mudblood, then The Unofficial Harry Potter Insults Handbook: 101 Comebacks for the Slytherin in Your Life is the book for you! Check it out on Amazon and Barnes and Noble!
