As the Presidential race rages on, America still hungers for a candidate who can turn this country’s fortunes around.
Now that Happy Endings is back on the air, who better to restore America’s former glory than a group of close friends from Chicago whose crazy shenanigans make us giggle to no end?
Here’s what a Happy Endings Presidential Cabinet would look like:
President: Jane
In order to bring jobs back to America, President Jane would hold an elaborate Sunday brunch for The Prime Minister of China at The White House. The Prime Minister would stuff himself, then, right when he desperately needed go the bathroom, Jane would hold the toilet hostage until he agreed to start outsourcing jobs to the U.S. However, President Jane would get a little carried away when, on top that, she’d also demand that he include an order of dumplings.
First Order of Business: Go to elaborate lengths to hide the truth of rising gas prices by sneaking around the country—in the middle of the night—and replacing every American car with a Prius.
First Gentleman: Brad
First Gentleman Brad would begin a program to encourage Americans to visit the Dentist every day in order to get rid of cavities and keep their teeth shockingly white. The program would become popular because it’d keep Americans drugged and ridiculously happy most of the time.
First Order of Business: Have inappropriate sex with President Jane in The Queen’s bathroom at Buckingham Palace.
Secretary of State: Alex
To make sure that overlooked foreign countries don’t feel as if we hate them, Secretary Alex would do whatever she could to make our allies feel loved—including acting like an Ellen-like lesbian.
First Order of Business: E-mail Norway the following: “Can’t believe it’s been years since we’ve seen each other, but you know how life gets: always busy trying to stop terrorists from enriching uranium!”
Secretary of Treasury: Max
Max’s plan for cutting the deficit would be to raise money by offering limousine services to the top 1%. He would charge them an exorbitant amount of money for the limo rides and would get away with it because he would offer free services like an “all-you-can-eat pizza bagel buffet” and “vibrating cellphone massages.”
First Order of Business: Sleep.
Secretary of the Interior: Dave
Secretary Dave would add food trucks to every National Park. Unfortunately, each food truck would be ransacked by bears on a regular basis. (And by “bears,” we mean mostly Max.)
First Order of Business: Change the uniform of every park ranger to a light green, V-neck t-shirt.
Secretary of Labor: Penny
Secretary Penny would create a taskforce comprised of single men who would take professional single women out on a date every Friday night. When asked why this taskforce was put into place, Penny would explain that it was making sure every American woman was getting “equal lay for equal work.”
First Order of Business: Encourage the President to change the country’s motto to “E Pluribus Uh-mah-zing!”
