Dick Contest: Solo vs. Kirk

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE IS NOT FOR THE COOL OR POPULAR AT HEART. HECK, IT’S NOT EVEN FOR THE GIRLS WHO AREN’T COOL, BUT WANT TO BE COOL. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT “TNG” OR “FRAK” MEANS, STOP READING NOW, BEFORE YOUR SOCIAL REPUTATION IS PERMANENTLY RUINED AND YOU ARE SUCKED INTO GEEKDOM FOR ETERNITY.

HanSolo_resized JamesKirk


Name:


Han Solo


James T. Kirk


Occupation:
Space Pirate.
Commanding Officer of the USS Enterprise.

Swoon Factor:

His roguish charm and his “I say I don’t need you, but I do” demeanor.

Gotta love a man in uniform whose weapons
of seduction are always set to stun.

Ovary-Blocker:
7-foot-tall Wookie who can rip your arms off. I advise you to let the Wookie win.
Irrationally rational, half-human, half-Vulcan broham who doesn’t really want to see you live long and prosper with Kirk.


Annoying Habit
That
Reminds
You He’s Male:

Aside from constantly teasing you in perilous situations, he’s also got a jealous streak whenever you talk to your brother. Awkward.
Like any frisky, fearless leader, he has a girl at
every spaceport in the known universe. Good
luck getting him to permanently drop anchor.


Badassness:
He shoots first.
How many guys do you know whose middle
name is that of a Roman emperor? Oh, James Tiberius, rowr!


Ok, that didn’t settle anything.  Now I want a taste of each.  Heck, there are a couple of other hunky gents with sick space rides at their disposals that I wouldn’t mind licking a sample of either.  Why go only with the classics?  I can always split the difference between Solo and Kirk with a certain former sergeant of the Independent Army turned Firefly-class captain, Malcom Reynolds.  A regimented rebel may be a bit of an oxymoron, but makes for some good intergalactic pleasure cruises, right?  Or, why not go for the lovably noble scientist-explorer, John Crichton.  Sexy and smart, albeit a tad confused most of the time.  But hey, if you were shot through a wormhole into a distant alien galaxy, you’d be, too, right?  And lest we forget the army of ridiculously ripped renegades aboard Battlestar Galactica.  Military issue wife-beaters never looked so good.  Perfect attire to check out the guns Apollo, Helo, Sam and the rest of the crew are packing.  I never get tired of inspecting the troops, if you know what I mean.

Who puts your panties in an orbital twist? Fire in your vote in the comments below.


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