‘Gay Marriage’ Means I Can Marry My Dog

Now, I’m not the kind of feminist, hippy-dippy lesbian who’s bent on castrating the whole of the male sex.

woman-kicks-man-in-suitBut I do have opinions.

That said, with my limited understanding of “politics,” I try my best to hear both sides out before reaching a conclusion.

On the topic of Same-Sex Marriage, for instance, when they say letting LGBTs marry will pave the way for the normalization of bestiality, maybe the right-wing crazies have a point?

Not crazies: maybe innovators.

Really, what other kind of person could take marriage and tie it in with bestiality?

The train of thought must’ve gone something like this:

1.  God created one man, and then the man got lonely and needy, so He created Eve, too, to keep him company.

2.  Eve got bored and tired of taking care of Adam, and she needed some space, so she went off by herself and had a snack.

3.  She found out that she and Adam were naked, and that the dead-giveaways might actually serve a purpose.

4.  And then they had babies, who grew up and showed signs of severe emotional issues (but, hey, they existed, right? Magic!).

Clearly, only a hetero couple could make that kind of magic happen.

5.  Otherwise, the parts wouldn’t fit. It’d be a holy clusterfuck.

You can’t bang two pointy things together and get something out of it, other than funny noises, and when you try to bang two hollow tubes together, all you get is a lonely, childless echo.

6.  No one would choose percussion over babies/magic.

7.  Except crazies. And crazies like all sorts of things:

a.  Yelling.
b.  Raving.
c.  Murdering.
d.  Hitting.
e.  Putting things where they don’t belong.
f.  Animals.

8.  Especially animals.

9.  And especially putting things where they don’t belong.

10.  Heck, if they “prefer” not making babies by doing shiz that just don’t make no sense, then they have to fill the void with something.

So why not animals?

11.  If we let them marry each other (or even US), then they’ll wanna start marrying animals next!

Especially the ugly ‘mos who can’t find any other ‘mos who want them.

12.  Animals are the next logical step, seeing as how they can’t argue that well.

Bite, yes, but that’s nothing some tranquilizer can’t fix.

13.  And crazies, like ‘mos, can’t really tell the difference anyway.



1.  I don’t like men the way I’m supposed to like men.

2.  I must be crazy.

3.  I have a dog I love named Wheezy.

4.  I’m not sure if he loves me, but he does nuzzle and cuddle me a lot.

5.  And sometimes hump my leg.

6.  I’m kind of awkward.

7.  And desperate.

8.  Wheezy can’t talk.

9.  Which means he can’t argue.

10.  Some states allow gays to get married.

11.  Which means that the world’s going to pot and it must be okay for anyone to marry anything that they like.

 Like a lamp.

13.  I don’t like any of my lamps.

14.  But I do love Wheezy.

15.  I should marry Wheezy.

16.  And once that’s done, since, again, if letting gays get married means people can marry animals, which means that polygamists can fulfill their wildest, frock-filled dreams, I’ll buy more dogs and marry them, too.

17.  GENIUS.


Honestly, right now, Wheezy’s just about the only non-bloodrelated living thing in my life that’s shown me signs of unconditional love.

And, as long as it has a pulse, what’s the difference? 



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About the author

Vickie Toro

Hi, friend! I'm Vickie Toro. I'm the lesbian in Lesbros, the creator and one of the writers of BAMF Girls Club, and the Frumpy Girl who commiserates with your Style Ineptness. I'm a Potterhead, water-dancer, and overall TV junky. Also sports movies make me cry.

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